Christian Wife, how to navigate..

[RdJ]

3 hours ago, Grace j said:

Yes we do have kids. He works a lot sometimes. I give him break too and let him sleep and do his own thing too. But after everything is done, waking up from good nap. Then only i try to just connect and have conversation. Yes i live far from my family and friends. I'll try not to ask to pay attention too much but I dont know if its right thing to not connect with your husband for atleast few mins or hours on daily bases? Or may be you are right its better to not make him irritated.  Thank you for the reply. 

Maybe he's an introvert and just tired. It's a way to relax. The more you demand that he gives you attention I assume the more it irritates him.

 

Hey can't you get marriage counselling from an older mature couple in church? I've had that in the past. They would just explain stuff and you had to say sorry to each other.

 

Edited June 12, 2024 by RdJ

[Gracejj]

8 hours ago, RdJ said:

Maybe he's an introvert and just tired. It's a way to relax. The more you demand that he gives you attention I assume the more it irritates him.

 

Hey can't you get marriage counselling from an older mature couple in church? I've had that in the past. They would just explain stuff and you had to say sorry to each other.

 

He actually is an Extrovert. Lol.  When he starts talking its hard to make him stop lol. And yes I am open for Christian counseling but he says we don't need it. If we just obey Jesus all the things will work. And sometimes he also says that "If someone else would say things you need to do for marriage you will obey them but if I will say to you then you won't?  And there was one time when I shared very briefly with one of the elders friend a lady, the things that I was facing bcos I felt so lost. Then I told him about it and he got upset saying that I brought shame on him. So I just kinda stopped talking to anyone. Thats one of the reason I am here bcos I literally can't share anything from anyone. 

[Tristen]

15 hours ago, Grace j said:

Thank you i will definitely consider both strategies and pray for God to guide me through this in timings.

Involving God through prayer is definitely the most important aspect of my previous response.

 

15 hours ago, Grace j said:

He is devout Christian but in some areas he is open to change and some areas he is doing his minimal so it varies.

That makes it a bit tricky (though it does mean there is more hope - i.e. If your husband is open to changing in some areas, then God can use that openness to extend His influence into other areas). The question for me would be - Does he get upset and emotional (e.g. throwing man tantrums) when you raise these issues, or is he simply disagreeing with you (obviously some irritation is to be expected when you are being critical of his behavior).

But again, let God guide you regardless.

 

16 hours ago, Grace j said:

Sometimes he even says that he doesn't do it that often and i am just over exaggerating things. May be he is correct

It is outstanding that you are prepared to consider the possibility that the issue may be on your end - but even if that is true, that does not illegitimize how you are feeling. Even if "he is correct", he shouldn't ignore that something in his behavior is causing you distress.

 

16 hours ago, Grace j said:

I dunno how to react or talk to him when he is staring at the phone when i am saying things to him

I'm not sure I'm qualified to be giving so much advice - but here it is:

When he stares at his phone, you take a breath and forgive him. You walk away (not in a huff) and find a quiet place to ask, "Father help me". Then move on to something else.

If your husband asks where you are going, you (without expressing negative emotions) tell him he looks busy, and you'll chat to him later. If he says he can do both, you tell him that it doesn't feel like you have his attention when he's on his phone - but it's ok, you can talk when he's finished.

 

As a possible side issue - Does your husband talk much at work? I know some marriages where the husband talks all day at work, and when he gets home, the wife gives him an hour-or-so to decompress from all that talking before she starts trying to have a conversation with him. 

 

16 hours ago, Grace j said:

If I stop talking to him and then talk to him when he wants to talk then is it what marriage suppose to be.  But I will follow your advice and I'll try to just pray for my heart to change? But does that mean I'll have to accept the fact that this bad habits may very well stay in our marriage forever and I need to accept my fate and suck it up and i shouldn't feel bad about it and always ready to give him what he demands of me even if i don't like it?

I am confident that God appreciates when we are prepared to do the right thing - even when we are being poorly treated by others.

However, 

1 - As you learn to lean on God and let Him change you, you will become less bothered by your husband's behavior. If your husband is on His phone, you can always talk to God, and He will always listen.

2 - With God there is always hope. God loves you. He will not leave you in a bad situation. As you seek Him, and honor Him by letting Him change you, He will entrench Himself in your marriage.

 

[Gracejj]

8 hours ago, Tristen said:

Involving God through prayer is definitely the most important aspect of my previous response.

 

That makes it a bit tricky (though it does mean there is more hope - i.e. If your husband is open to changing in some areas, then God can use that openness to extend His influence into other areas). The question for me would be - Does he get upset and emotional (e.g. throwing man tantrums) when you raise these issues, or is he simply disagreeing with you (obviously some irritation is to be expected when you are being critical of his behavior).

But again, let God guide you regardless.

 

It is outstanding that you are prepared to consider the possibility that the issue may be on your end - but even if that is true, that does not illegitimize how you are feeling. Even if "he is correct", he shouldn't ignore that something in his behavior is causing you distress.

 

I'm not sure I'm qualified to be giving so much advice - but here it is:

When he stares at his phone, you take a breath and forgive him. You walk away (not in a huff) and find a quiet place to ask, "Father help me". Then move on to something else.

If your husband asks where you are going, you (without expressing negative emotions) tell him he looks busy, and you'll chat to him later. If he says he can do both, you tell him that it doesn't feel like you have his attention when he's on his phone - but it's ok, you can talk when he's finished.

 

As a possible side issue - Does your husband talk much at work? I know some marriages where the husband talks all day at work, and when he gets home, the wife gives him an hour-or-so to decompress from all that talking before she starts trying to have a conversation with him. 

 

I am confident that God appreciates when we are prepared to do the right thing - even when we are being poorly treated by others.

However, 

1 - As you learn to lean on God and let Him change you, you will become less bothered by your husband's behavior. If your husband is on His phone, you can always talk to God, and He will always listen.

2 - With God there is always hope. God loves you. He will not leave you in a bad situation. As you seek Him, and honor Him by letting Him change you, He will entrench Himself in your marriage.

 

To reply your questions above-

-Yes he does gets upset sometimes and says I am complaining about things. And there are some times that he just disagrees. 

- If I walk away when he is distracted by phone, he wouldn't notice sometimes and there would be no conversation. 

- I do give him his space to decompress and take some break and have a nap for an hour and so for sure. 

- Sometimes when he is cery tired or busy I do just let him be and do whatever he wants to. But when it starts to happen too often that I kind of miss my husband but he gets upset when I bring this up at that moment but at the same time almost every day even without having any connection or conversation with me he wants to have some "intimate" time, and I feel puzzled that I haven't established any connection before so I how do I i just jump into it without any connection? But regardless I try to meet his needs which i had to work on it too. I tell him that it makes me feel somekind of way to not have any connection with someone but just do the "thing" and its hard for me to go through that feeling and makes me feel like being used etc etc, and then I tell him to have atleast small convos with me just to connect and that also makes him upset that he always needs to do something before..why can't we just get on with it and go back to sleep bcos he is tired. I know TMI but.😂😃

[In the Clouds]

Marriage goes through growing stages.  It can require a lot of patience and respect during hard times and testing.  Prayer is important.  Not all issues are answered or solved by self.  Many times solutions come from handing difficulties or misunderstandings up to the Lord and asking for help.  You may have your needs, too; but you are not subservient.  Do not deny or belittle your worth.  Life is ever changing.  Follow the straight path keeping your focus on God.

[Tristen]

14 hours ago, Grace j said:

To reply your questions above-

Most of the "questions" I've posed are more to help you assess your situation. That is, the answers to those questions might guide you in how you decide to move forward.

 

14 hours ago, Grace j said:

-Yes he does gets upset sometimes and says I am complaining about things. And there are some times that he just disagrees.

It sounds to me like it hasn't yet occurred to your husband that he has a responsibility to work on his marriage. Many men think their marriages should just work (of course leaving the wives to make all the concessions - and him enjoying the benefits).

The implication for you is that you may have to treat him like an unbeliever in your marriage. That is, for you to go to God and spend time working on you - and leaving your husband in God's hands. Only God can change him - and your efforts to change him are only going to get in God's way. Maybe God will involve you in His plans, or maybe God will do it all for you. Either way, you deciding to be a better Christian/woman/wife will benefit you immensely. You may need to be patient - but that is something you can work on with God. Get the mindset that you are making this effort for God, not your husband.

In practice, this means you don't have to complain to your husband anymore - because you have entrusted the situation to God. You can, of course, vent your frustrations to your loving Father - Who will hear your complaints with love and mercy. But the burden for your husband's change now belongs to God.

1 Peter 5:6-7
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

 

14 hours ago, Grace j said:

- If I walk away when he is distracted by phone, he wouldn't notice sometimes and there would be no conversation.

Then you are free to spend time with God without distraction.

I know this is not necessarily fair - and not why you got married. However, this may be an opportunity for you to deepen your fellowship with God - and work to your favor in the long run. 

 

[In the Clouds]

Grace J,

It appears that many share some of the same feelings as you and have experienced some of the same testing as you.   How many times have you been out and seen couples, families, groups of people who spend their time texting on the phone?  They are ignoring each other's company and escaping the real world and their present surroundings.  Why do they do that?  Is it for outside stimulation, relaxation, escapism... phone addiction?  Whatever the reason, it seems as though they are seeking their "own space."  Tristen gives some very good insight:

Posted 12 hours ago

  On 6/13/2024 at 4:55 AM, Grace j said:

To reply your questions above-

Most of the "questions" I've posed are more to help you assess your situation. That is, the answers to those questions might guide you in how you decide to move forward.

 

  On 6/13/2024 at 4:55 AM, Grace j said:

-Yes he does gets upset sometimes and says I am complaining about things. And there are some times that he just disagrees.

It sounds to me like it hasn't yet occurred to your husband that he has a responsibility to work on his marriage. Many men think their marriages should just work (of course leaving the wives to make all the concessions - and him enjoying the benefits).

The implication for you is that you may have to treat him like an unbeliever in your marriage. That is, for you to go to God and spend time working on you - and leaving your husband in God's hands. Only God can change him - and your efforts to change him are only going to get in God's way. Maybe God will involve you in His plans, or maybe God will do it all for you. Either way, you deciding to be a better Christian/woman/wife will benefit you immensely. You may need to be patient - but that is something you can work on with God. Get the mindset that you are making this effort for God, not your husband.

In practice, this means you don't have to complain to your husband anymore - because you have entrusted the situation to God. You can, of course, vent your frustrations to your loving Father - Who will hear your complaints with love and mercy. But the burden for your husband's change now belongs to God.

1 Peter 5:6-7
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

 

  On 6/13/2024 at 4:55 AM, Grace j said:

- If I walk away when he is distracted by phone, he wouldn't notice sometimes and there would be no conversation.

Then you are free to spend time with God without distraction.

I know this is not necessarily fair - and not why you got married. However, this may be an opportunity for you to deepen your fellowship with God - and work to your favor in the long run.