Christian Wife, how to navigate..

[Gracejj]

As a growing and still learning stage Christian wife, sometimes I stumble upon situation in relationship that I dont have my guidance to due to not having any close Christian friends and family around. I often stop myself in the midst of tears and frustration and hopelessness and gather my thoughts and wonder Am i being a nagging wife, which the word clearly talks about how its better to live in the corner than to be with one..haha, which I definitely not prefer my husband to do but how do I tell him the things that is affecting our marriage and relationship without sounding like a nagging wife :D. For example, how to tell him to not be on phone for the rest of the time he is at home and be with family with full attention, not to be harsh towards me bcos he is  not harsh all the time but 3 out of 5 times only but still it hurts, especially if we are following Christ and should conduct in Christ like manner, and I know not everyone is perfect including me but still don't know how to address this issues without sounding like a nagging wife.

 

[Who me]

22 minutes ago, Grace j said:

As a growing and still learning stage Christian wife, sometimes I stumble upon situation in relationship that I dont have my guidance to due to not having any close Christian friends and family around. I often stop myself in the midst of tears and frustration and hopelessness and gather my thoughts and wonder Am i being a nagging wife, which the word clearly talks about how its better to live in the corner than to be with one..haha, which I definitely not prefer my husband to do but how do I tell him the things that is affecting our marriage and relationship without sounding like a nagging wife :D. For example, how to tell him to not be on phone for the rest of the time he is at home and be with family with full attention, not to be harsh towards me bcos he is  not harsh all the time but 3 out of 5 times only but still it hurts, especially if we are following Christ and should conduct in Christ like manner, and I know not everyone is perfect including me but still don't know how to address this issues without sounding like a nagging wife.

 

 

There is an art or skill in intermarriage  communication, both for talking and for arguing. 

 

The key is not to accuse the other of wrong doing, but to express how their actions makes one feel.

Example, ' when you leave the toilet seat up, it makes me feel that you don't  care about my needs. '

 

If he is playing on his phone all evening,  start the ev3ning off with a sit down at the table dinner, phone, TV all off and talk.

Once the washing up is done, he'll  be back on his phone but you can  share as you clear up together.

[LuftWaffle]

How old are you and how old is he and how long have you been married and or dating before that?
What does he do on the phone? Work? Social Media?

Have you raised the issue of the phone before? If so, what did he do or say?

In the meantime, one suggestion may be the following:
My wife and I have a family meeting scheduled every two weeks, where we set aside time to talk about things that we like, things we'd like to change about ourselves and things that bother us. Having a specific time and place set aside for bringing up issues that concern you, means you don't have to 'nag' at inopportune times.

[farouk]

5 hours ago, Grace j said:

As a growing and still learning stage Christian wife, sometimes I stumble upon situation in relationship that I dont have my guidance to due to not having any close Christian friends and family around. I often stop myself in the midst of tears and frustration and hopelessness and gather my thoughts and wonder Am i being a nagging wife, which the word clearly talks about how its better to live in the corner than to be with one..haha, which I definitely not prefer my husband to do but how do I tell him the things that is affecting our marriage and relationship without sounding like a nagging wife :D. For example, how to tell him to not be on phone for the rest of the time he is at home and be with family with full attention, not to be harsh towards me bcos he is  not harsh all the time but 3 out of 5 times only but still it hurts, especially if we are following Christ and should conduct in Christ like manner, and I know not everyone is perfect including me but still don't know how to address this issues without sounding like a nagging wife.

 

Hi @Grace j I won't answer directly; but would encourage the reading of Bible books such as Philippians. 4.8 is especially precious and remarkable and can have a wholesome effect upon outlook and personal interactions of those who are exercised about it; even as the Person of Christ and His work at the cross are the true center of the message of Scripture.

Good to remember also that when we are taken up with Him, as Helen Lemmel said: "...the things of earth will grow strangely dim / In the light of His glory and grace".

[RdJ]

Be with the family with full attention? Do you have kids? Does he work a lot? Maybe he's tired and needs a break. I would not keep asking for attention if it only makes him irritated.

Do you live far away from your friends and family and only know him?

[Tristen]

12 hours ago, Grace j said:

As a growing and still learning stage Christian wife, sometimes I stumble upon situation in relationship that I dont have my guidance to due to not having any close Christian friends and family around. I often stop myself in the midst of tears and frustration and hopelessness and gather my thoughts and wonder Am i being a nagging wife, which the word clearly talks about how its better to live in the corner than to be with one..haha, which I definitely not prefer my husband to do but how do I tell him the things that is affecting our marriage and relationship without sounding like a nagging wife :D. For example, how to tell him to not be on phone for the rest of the time he is at home and be with family with full attention, not to be harsh towards me bcos he is  not harsh all the time but 3 out of 5 times only but still it hurts, especially if we are following Christ and should conduct in Christ like manner, and I know not everyone is perfect including me but still don't know how to address this issues without sounding like a nagging wife.

 

Firstly, I would pray that God shows you the correct timing to raise these issues with your husband. Nagging is a repetitive (and usually poorly timed) expression of frustration which leaves God out of the equation.

I would then suggest two strategies - depending on the nature of your relationship (with each other and with God):

Strategy 1 - When you say, "we are following Christ and should conduct in Christ like manner", does that mean he is a devout Christian who is eager to grow in Christ, and in his role as Christian husband and father. Or is he doing his minimal Christian duties - and making you take the spiritual lead? Does he want to change and seek God's will, or is he happy with the 'status quo' in your relationship?

If you're not sure, you might be able to ask him, "Are you happy with things the way they are - and would you prefer me to keep my concerns to myself?". You should be very careful to emphasize the fact that you are not judging nor condemning him - you just need to know where you stand - so you can pray that God will change you; to give you what you need to be a good wife in the marriage you've been given.

If he seems uninterested in change, then your only option is to entrust the situation to God. Essentially, you need to treat him like an unbelieving husband. Pray first that God will help you be the best wife you can be, and also that God will give your husband a passion to grow into his destiny as a Christian, a husband and father, and a spiritual leader. Only God can change us/him. Nagging will only lead to frustration and resentment.

1 Peter 3:1-2
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

 

Strategy 2 - If he is devout, and open to change, then the next time you have his ear (with God's direction), ask him if there is anything you can do for him to make you a better wife to him. [Note: steal your emotions before this conversation - because he may say things that you don't want to hear - and you have to be able to hear what he says without becoming offended. Be sincere, ask for clarification/examples if necessary. If you feel your emotions rising - smile - and say, "That's a bit hard to hear, but I did ask - and I'll take it to God and try to do better in those areas".]

Hopefully he'll be prompted to ask the same question to you. But if not, now that you've established a safe communication space (by not becoming offended), you can ask him if you can share a few "minor" concerns you have about him. Emphasize that they are only minor/small/little things.

Note: Even if he says there's nothing you can improve, you can still ask permission to express your concerns to him.

Also remember that he hasn't emotionally prepared for the conversation - and so may react emotionally. And you might need to de-escalate the conversation if he starts to get offended. "Sorry, I didn't want to make you upset. Let's not talk about it anymore". Maybe have a plan to move on (e.g. how about I make you some lunch, or a snack, or a coffee, or how about we watch our favorite show, or go out to dinner etc.) - something to show it's not a major issue that you want to pursue to his upset (but now there is a seed in his mind for God to work on).

Finally pray - as above - first for yourself to be a better wife, then for him to grow into his destiny as a Godly man.

 

[Gracejj]

19 hours ago, Who me said:

 

There is an art or skill in intermarriage  communication, both for talking and for arguing. 

 

The key is not to accuse the other of wrong doing, but to express how their actions makes one feel.

Example, ' when you leave the toilet seat up, it makes me feel that you don't  care about my needs. '

 

If he is playing on his phone all evening,  start the ev3ning off with a sit down at the table dinner, phone, TV all off and talk.

Once the washing up is done, he'll  be back on his phone but you can  share as you clear up together.

I agree. I am going to be careful next time to say it as you have suggested. Hope it will work. But also, i think in the past i have said it politely as well. "Will you please look at the phone later..lets talk right now", and also expressed that If his attention is divided it makes me feel like he is not paying attention and not fully there in conversation.  But some of his replies were- " I am listening to you, i am replying to you so whats the problem if i am on the phone", and it has been happening since like a year ir two continuously, even just few hours ago when we were talking and he was luckily doing something important on phone (but thats not the case all the time) i asked him when can we talk  sitting with each other without using any device? His answer was that" I am constantly saying this and I am "harassing" him bcos as i said he was actually doing something important by chance that I definitely would have understood if i have known but him being on phone and just watching yt videos and scrolling through phone aimlessly happens a lot that this particular time i didn't thought that he could be doing something important but bcos of this 1 instance now he says i am harassing him if i am mentioning his phone and devided conversation. Many times I have just sat and talked about some work or important with his eyes stuck on phone, and after a while when I have asked him about that particular stuff he seems to not remember it and he says he doesn't recall if we even talked about it. So I see that it does affect our conversation. The problem gets bigger when claims that i am mistaken and i have never told him about that subject, instead of accepting that he may have not listen to it bcos he wasn't fully present there. I remember the time when it use to be rude and disrespectful to use phone while talking to someone. I dunno what has changed?  Am i really harrasing him when I mention about his phone or often ask to talk to me without looking at phone? 

[Gracejj]

17 hours ago, LuftWaffle said:

How old are you and how old is he and how long have you been married and or dating before that?
What does he do on the phone? Work? Social Media?

Have you raised the issue of the phone before? If so, what did he do or say?

In the meantime, one suggestion may be the following:
My wife and I have a family meeting scheduled every two weeks, where we set aside time to talk about things that we like, things we'd like to change about ourselves and things that bother us. Having a specific time and place set aside for bringing up issues that concern you, means you don't have to 'nag' at inopportune times.

We are in our thirties, been together since 15 yrs. Sometimes he works, watch news, yt videos, stocks etc on phone. 

Yes I have been saying about the phone isuess since 2 and a half yrs minimum. It wasn't like this before with phone. Before he use to just listen to sermon 24/7 or stock market on the phone. But phone was still there in between us lol. I don't want my children to think that this is normal to be like this and starts following in those footsteps and be stuck on ipad or TV or phone. And it does affects things between us bcos sometimes he forgets about things that we have discussed when he was on phone and we were having conversation.

[Gracejj]

12 hours ago, RdJ said:

Be with the family with full attention? Do you have kids? Does he work a lot? Maybe he's tired and needs a break. I would not keep asking for attention if it only makes him irritated.

Do you live far away from your friends and family and only know him?

Yes we do have kids. He works a lot sometimes. I give him break too and let him sleep and do his own thing too. But after everything is done, waking up from good nap. Then only i try to just connect and have conversation. Yes i live far from my family and friends. I'll try not to ask to pay attention too much but I dont know if its right thing to not connect with your husband for atleast few mins or hours on daily bases? Or may be you are right its better to not make him irritated.  Thank you for the reply. 

[Gracejj]

7 hours ago, Tristen said:

Firstly, I would pray that God shows you the correct timing to raise these issues with your husband. Nagging is a repetitive (and usually poorly timed) expression of frustration which leaves God out of the equation.

I would then suggest two strategies - depending on the nature of your relationship (with each other and with God):

Strategy 1 - When you say, "we are following Christ and should conduct in Christ like manner", does that mean he is a devout Christian who is eager to grow in Christ, and in his role as Christian husband and father. Or is he doing his minimal Christian duties - and making you take the spiritual lead? Does he want to change and seek God's will, or is he happy with the 'status quo' in your relationship?

If you're not sure, you might be able to ask him, "Are you happy with things the way they are - and would you prefer me to keep my concerns to myself?". You should be very careful to emphasize the fact that you are not judging nor condemning him - you just need to know where you stand - so you can pray that God will change you; to give you what you need to be a good wife in the marriage you've been given.

If he seems uninterested in change, then your only option is to entrust the situation to God. Essentially, you need to treat him like an unbelieving husband. Pray first that God will help you be the best wife you can be, and also that God will give your husband a passion to grow into his destiny as a Christian, a husband and father, and a spiritual leader. Only God can change us/him. Nagging will only lead to frustration and resentment.

1 Peter 3:1-2
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

 

Strategy 2 - If he is devout, and open to change, then the next time you have his ear (with God's direction), ask him if there is anything you can do for him to make you a better wife to him. [Note: steal your emotions before this conversation - because he may say things that you don't want to hear - and you have to be able to hear what he says without becoming offended. Be sincere, ask for clarification/examples if necessary. If you feel your emotions rising - smile - and say, "That's a bit hard to hear, but I did ask - and I'll take it to God and try to do better in those areas".]

Hopefully he'll be prompted to ask the same question to you. But if not, now that you've established a safe communication space (by not becoming offended), you can ask him if you can share a few "minor" concerns you have about him. Emphasize that they are only minor/small/little things.

Note: Even if he says there's nothing you can improve, you can still ask permission to express your concerns to him.

Also remember that he hasn't emotionally prepared for the conversation - and so may react emotionally. And you might need to de-escalate the conversation if he starts to get offended. "Sorry, I didn't want to make you upset. Let's not talk about it anymore". Maybe have a plan to move on (e.g. how about I make you some lunch, or a snack, or a coffee, or how about we watch our favorite show, or go out to dinner etc.) - something to show it's not a major issue that you want to pursue to his upset (but now there is a seed in his mind for God to work on).

Finally pray - as above - first for yourself to be a better wife, then for him to grow into his destiny as a Godly man.

 

Thank you i will definitely consider both strategies and pray for God to guide me through this in timings. He is devout Christian but in some areas he is open to change and some areas he is doing his minimal so it varies. Sometimes he even says that he doesn't do it that often and i am just over exaggerating things. May be he is correct but I dunno how to react or talk to him when he is staring at the phone when i am saying things to him. If I stop talking to him and then talk to him when he wants to talk then is it what marriage suppose to be.  But I will follow your advice and I'll try to just pray for my heart to change? But does that mean I'll have to accept the fact that this bad habits may very well stay in our marriage forever and I need to accept my fate and suck it up and i shouldn't feel bad about it and always ready to give him what he demands of me even if i don't like it?  Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.