Should I keep giving money to a friend in need who I suspect may be using me or lying to me?

[SavedbyGrace31]

Tl:Dr - a friend/acquaintance of mine pops up every so often asking to borrow money, always under the pretence of "ran out of food and don't get paid for a few days." I'm starting to feel a little bit resentful as I feel like they are using me and I am starting to suspect they are lying to me about some things that are going on. The money never gets paid back but I have accepted that when they ask to borrow I am actually gifting them the money. Is it ok to say no even when they are saying they are in desperate need?

Long version - I've known her for a while, since she was a teenager. Just after I first met her she said her mom had kicked her out several times then asked her to leave for good due to her coming out as LGBT. I was furious and heartbroken on her behalf and didn't hesitate to help her in any way that I could, such as driving her to her girlfriends house where she now lives (which is a long distance away) when public transport was cancelled or giving her money to help with practical needs.

However, while I know things are not always as they seem online, I have recently seen some social media posts which strongly suggest that she actually has a good relationship with her mom and that when she moved out to go live with her girlfriend it was actually her choice and was done with her mom's blessing. While I don't know the ins and outs, I'm now wondering if things didn't happen the way she presented it to me at the time.

I've given her lots of money in the past, usually in small amounts of $10-$30 and I didn't mind at the time but it's all starting to add up and I'm starting to feel resentful at the thought that she is just using me as a cash machine. What I generally find is that I won't hear from her for ages then when she gets in contact in desperate need of help I'll give her a small amount then she'll keep messaging asking for more until it starts to add up and I say no then I don't hear from her for a while again and so on. Also in the past I have suggested I could help her look for other sources of income such as state benefits or funding from LGBT charities that she may be entitled to but she has always declined this and my offers to help her ways other than financially. Again, from what I see on social media I'm starting to get the feeling that she is trying to live beyond her means and that by giving her money I may just be funding an irresponsible lifestyle.

So is it ok to say no to giving money even when she is presenting it as a desperate need such as "I haven't eaten in several days and don't get paid until next week"? I would feel awful and heartless for saying no in those circumstances but I'm not sure how true it is. We're not that close anymore and I think there must be a long line of people that she would be able to ask before me that would be willing to help her if she was in genuine need, I think she jumps straight to me cause she knows more often than not I'll say yes. Today when she messaged asking I suggested she ask her relatives for help but she just said "no unfortunately I can't" Can I put my foot down here without looking and feeling completely heartless? Should I talk to her about what I saw on social media and ask her about what's really going on? 

[Who me]

17 minutes ago, SavedbyGrace31 said:

" Can I put my foot down here without looking and feeling completely heartless? Should I talk to her about what I saw on social media and ask her about what's really going

Of course you can say no. You are under no obligation to just give because she or anyone else asks.

If she asks for cash again, tell her you will get back to her and promptly  check her Facebook account, who is she in contact with etc.

Then get back to her and point out that she has been meeting, doing what ever events with these people.e so why won't  they help her.

If she persists ask what did the local food bank say to her request for help?

What happened to her request for help from the state or other charities?

Keep on asking why other people cannot help her?

Your final question is , ' you have borrowed tell her how much, when are you repaying it?'

What ever answer she gives about her repaying tell you are not loaning or giving her any money and say good bye.

Unfriend her on Facebook and block her phone number.

 

[R. Hartono]

Help her if it doesnt burden your wallet too much and use this chance to tell her Gospel Salvation and rebuke her LGBT life and tell her to return to her mother or you wont help her anymore.

Edited February 4, 2024 by R. Hartono

[Debp]

If she is deceiving you, you shouldn't give her the money.  You are enabling her to continue living a deceitful life.

Perhaps if she is having some trials in her life, this could be a wakeup call for her....that she needs to come to the Lord and also become more responsible.

[FJK]

Don't involve yourself in another persons life to the extent that you damage your own.

[ladypeartree]

If you can spare the money without putting yourself in need why not offer to buy her a few basic groceries but in this position I would NOT give her any more cash 

[RdJ]

Stop giving her money. You enable her. She hasn't eaten a few days? Oh golly. Say adults can fast for 40 days.

My ex remarried a mooch. He couldn't afford her. She just quit her job. Man must take care of me. We have 3 kids. Can you lend me some money? Of course. My kids must eat when they are with their dad. So I made debts and she has this rich lawyer daughter who let her watch her kid for free and she refused to work. So one day I saw a preaching from Derek Prince that financial problems could be a curse you had to rebuke and I did that and then I told my ex: hey I can't help you anymore. I get into trouble myself. And then she left within a week to go bother her son to take care of her.

Quit enabling her. There are so many people who really need help. If you insist on giving away money give it to the real poor in India or something or just ask God. Just block her. Her mother can eat less and share. You're not her mother.

[FJK]

31 minutes ago, ladypeartree said:

If you can spare the money without putting yourself in need why not offer to buy her a few basic groceries but in this position I would NOT give her any more cash 

A great way to handle it, when she shows up saying she needs food, offer to take her shopping.

[Rockson]

On 2/3/2024 at 5:19 PM, SavedbyGrace31 said:

 

So is it ok to say no to giving money even when she is presenting it as a desperate need such as "I haven't eaten in several days and don't get paid until next week"? I would feel awful and heartless for saying no in those circumstances but I'm not sure how true it is. We're not that close anymore and I think there must be a long line of people that she would be able to ask before me that would be willing to help her if she was in genuine need, I think she jumps straight to me cause she knows more often than not I'll say yes. Today when she messaged asking I suggested she ask her relatives for help but she just said "no unfortunately I can't" Can I put my foot down here without looking and feeling completely heartless? Should I talk to her about what I saw on social media and ask her about what's really going on? 

As for me no I wouldn't give this person any more money unless I felt the Lord clearly impressed me to. This person is continually looking to you as their source and not God. 

[Neighbor]

On 2/3/2024 at 5:19 PM, SavedbyGrace31 said:

Tl:Dr - a friend/acquaintance of mine pops up every so often asking to borrow money, always under the pretence of "ran out of food and don't get paid for a few days."

Hi, Maybe this is not the friend you think they are. Of course it is okay to say no. In fact never give cash, period!

If you are so easy a touch, try  giving a few canned goods of food from your own pantry, like ramen noodles or  canned tuna, or even purchasing a grocery store gift certificate and give that. She won't be back least not for money.

Cans of tuna are not likely good barter for street drugs.