Struggling with Guilt

[Southern]

About a year ago, my husband and I had a miscarriage. This was after going through IVF to conceive, I was in a very dark place and started drinking heavily. One day we had some friends round for drinks including my husband's brother. My husband went to bed earlier and left me and our friends and his brother to it, he kept on asking me to come to bed but I wouldn't. 

I was very drunk but was aware of what was going on around me, his brother touched my thigh the odd time and when I would get up to get snacks he would follow me to the kitchen and touch my shoulder or whatever. I let it happen, my response should have been ew and gone to bed with my husband but instead I was excited by it. 

The next day his brother said he was so drunk he had no memory of the night before. He went home and I felt so guilty that I told my husband part of the truth that his brother had got a bit touchy feely. I however did not tell him that I had liked it and not stopped it from happening. I have no feelings for his brother at all, I feel sick when I think about it. Husband was angry but forgave me, he wanted to hit his brother up about it but I said there was no point as he did not remember. I feel that if he knew the whole story about me liking it at the time that he may not have forgiven me.

I talked to my best friend about it and she just said that it was dumb and I should never do it again and I have learned from it. She doesn't think I need to feel guilty cause nothing really happened..

I quit my job recently and we did IVF again and this time I am pregnant by 6 weeks, now that all the emotions and stress of IVF are gone, feelings of guilt are resurfacing. I haven't thought about this incident in a year but now I want to throw up just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared he will leave me as he feels strongly about people cheating.

I know that God has forgiven me but do I need to confess to my husband everything?

[JohnD]

9 hours ago, Southern said:

About a year ago, my husband and I had a miscarriage. This was after going through IVF to conceive, I was in a very dark place and started drinking heavily. One day we had some friends round for drinks including my husband's brother. My husband went to bed earlier and left me and our friends and his brother to it, he kept on asking me to come to bed but I wouldn't. 

I was very drunk but was aware of what was going on around me, his brother touched my thigh the odd time and when I would get up to get snacks he would follow me to the kitchen and touch my shoulder or whatever. I let it happen, my response should have been ew and gone to bed with my husband but instead I was excited by it. 

The next day his brother said he was so drunk he had no memory of the night before. He went home and I felt so guilty that I told my husband part of the truth that his brother had got a bit touchy feely. I however did not tell him that I had liked it and not stopped it from happening. I have no feelings for his brother at all, I feel sick when I think about it. Husband was angry but forgave me, he wanted to hit his brother up about it but I said there was no point as he did not remember. I feel that if he knew the whole story about me liking it at the time that he may not have forgiven me.

I talked to my best friend about it and she just said that it was dumb and I should never do it again and I have learned from it. She doesn't think I need to feel guilty cause nothing really happened..

I quit my job recently and we did IVF again and this time I am pregnant by 6 weeks, now that all the emotions and stress of IVF are gone, feelings of guilt are resurfacing. I haven't thought about this incident in a year but now I want to throw up just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared he will leave me as he feels strongly about people cheating.

I know that God has forgiven me but do I need to confess to my husband everything?

Psalm 51 is the best confession passage in scripture. Verse 4 says that David (who wrote the Psalm) confesses that his sin was against the Lord only. 

There is a general statement about confessing our sins one to another... which IMHO is more a statement about not being a hypocrite and acting as if we don't sin at all... you already said you confessed it to your sister. 

David sinned against Bathsheba (even if she may have had no qualm about bathing on the roof of her house in view of the palace), he sinned against Uriah in the process, he had Uriah murdered after his plan to cover up his sin failed. He got Joab to help in this plot. The child born in sin died, as did Amnon and Absalom, and his daughter Tamar was raped by her half brother. 

Psalm 51:4 (AV)
4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

Now this may also be because the whole world knows (or has biblical access to all of the lewd details... I don't know. I do know we should all study 1 John 1:5 - 1 John 2:17 with regard to our sins that we are already forgiven for (and thus we are only in need of getting back in touch with that forgiveness which our sins and guilt alienate us from [feelings wise]). 

Consult the Lord / have people over in Prayer Requests here pray for you. 

He may want you to tell your husband. 

Any who saw your brother-in-law's actions, your sister who you confided in, and your brother-in-law (I suspect remembers and is just covering his guilt) all know what happened. 

You said you told your husband about the incident and most likely he will confront his brother about it eventually. 

Your dilemma is in feeling guilty over being human (there are many things we should not say or think or do that we like, love, or get turned on by). This is a major reason God gave us the commandments not to indulge in them. But we live in a world that indulges them, flaunts them,  encourages them, or where it is acceptable to become uninhibited through excess drinking or drugs... we are animals by nature. From the time we are infants we are conditioned, trained, disciplined not to give into our baser urges (beginning as early as toilet training). 

This is what we must remind ourselves of daily since we tend to forget it and often deceive ourselves. 

We are not good by nature. 

God living in us and among us is the only good there actually is. 

As Tim Allen said in a Last Man Standing script once to his "daughter" Mandy, "If you tell Kyle you kissed another guy, you may feel better about what you did but you will make Kyle feel terrible." 

She replied, "But I feel just awful about it." 

He responded, "Perhaps you should." 

Maybe it's a lesson to keep it from happening again. 

Lastly (and this is a big one):

The Bible speaks to the Lord's grace being greater than our consciences. Sometimes we can find it impossible to forgive ourselves. And the devil can bring up any number of our past sins to guilt trip us into th insane asylum if we let him. Don't! I can't recall the pastor who said it, but it was inspired. He said, "Whenever the devil reminds you of your past... remind him of his future." 

I don't believe most can go into exorcism type confrontations with demons, which is another topic, so I do not encourage that. But mentioning (aloud*) that death and hell and the serpent will be thrown into the lake of fire where the beast and the false prophet are to suffer forever and ever shouldn't cause any trouble...  its quoting scripture (Revelation 20) and it [should] stop any 'assisted' feelings of guilt. 

* aloud because the devil and demons cannot read your mind

Hope this helps. And I have prayed for you, sister.

 

 

[Justin Adams]

Simple advice. You do not need to tell your spouse stuff you tell your priest or accountability person.

If you read Animal Farm you will probably get my drift.

Guilt is NOT from the Lord God. So it can be a very sneaky way to destroy relationships.

The 'need' to unburden is a selfish thing. Unburden to God alone. Guilt is as very dangerous element. It destroys people that do NOT need to know certain things.

Be kind to one another and do not lay stuff on them they do not need.

[Blood Bought 1953]

 

Dont beat yourself up for being human.Be greatful you had the integrity to not let things get MUCH worse.The bigger lesson to be learned here is to pour all of your booze down the drain if you are not able to drink in moderation.Keep an eye on your  in- Law.He knows EXACTY what went on......He was testing the waters. I was a drunk for 20 years.His “ memory loss “ is B.S.  The booze gave him the courage to do what he wanted to do.

[enoob57]

13 hours ago, Southern said:

About a year ago, my husband and I had a miscarriage. This was after going through IVF to conceive, I was in a very dark place and started drinking heavily. One day we had some friends round for drinks including my husband's brother. My husband went to bed earlier and left me and our friends and his brother to it, he kept on asking me to come to bed but I wouldn't. 

I was very drunk but was aware of what was going on around me, his brother touched my thigh the odd time and when I would get up to get snacks he would follow me to the kitchen and touch my shoulder or whatever. I let it happen, my response should have been ew and gone to bed with my husband but instead I was excited by it. 

The next day his brother said he was so drunk he had no memory of the night before. He went home and I felt so guilty that I told my husband part of the truth that his brother had got a bit touchy feely. I however did not tell him that I had liked it and not stopped it from happening. I have no feelings for his brother at all, I feel sick when I think about it. Husband was angry but forgave me, he wanted to hit his brother up about it but I said there was no point as he did not remember. I feel that if he knew the whole story about me liking it at the time that he may not have forgiven me.

I talked to my best friend about it and she just said that it was dumb and I should never do it again and I have learned from it. She doesn't think I need to feel guilty cause nothing really happened..

I quit my job recently and we did IVF again and this time I am pregnant by 6 weeks, now that all the emotions and stress of IVF are gone, feelings of guilt are resurfacing. I haven't thought about this incident in a year but now I want to throw up just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared he will leave me as he feels strongly about people cheating.

I know that God has forgiven me but do I need to confess to my husband everything?

Immorality is rampant in the flesh and according to Jesus even the thought of it is adultery in the fact... all men know this struggle within themselves because of such a suggestive society we live in! What happened was of this nature and we are to repent to God for it and turn … I know for self I have desired God over this but my flesh that is not redeemed wars against my decision but I am determined to win! Your husband has the same issues as you have had both of you need to lay off the booze for it will weaken your  moral resolve to one another and increase the probability of …
Only The Lord can forget in the forgiveness and a small seed in thought can produce in one's life mistrust... I think this must be a loving consideration toward your husband... do you wish to place this struggle you have had into a burden of need to forgive you of? Our love for one another should be, in marriage, to build up not to increase hardship   My suggestion to you is to open dialogue about thought life and how the two of you can remain faithful to one another in this suggestive society we are all in - plan the battle together so that each knows the others pure intent in this struggle to be pure to the other  

Edited December 10, 2018 by enoob57

[Billiards Ball]

15 hours ago, Southern said:

About a year ago, my husband and I had a miscarriage. This was after going through IVF to conceive, I was in a very dark place and started drinking heavily. One day we had some friends round for drinks including my husband's brother. My husband went to bed earlier and left me and our friends and his brother to it, he kept on asking me to come to bed but I wouldn't. 

I was very drunk but was aware of what was going on around me, his brother touched my thigh the odd time and when I would get up to get snacks he would follow me to the kitchen and touch my shoulder or whatever. I let it happen, my response should have been ew and gone to bed with my husband but instead I was excited by it. 

The next day his brother said he was so drunk he had no memory of the night before. He went home and I felt so guilty that I told my husband part of the truth that his brother had got a bit touchy feely. I however did not tell him that I had liked it and not stopped it from happening. I have no feelings for his brother at all, I feel sick when I think about it. Husband was angry but forgave me, he wanted to hit his brother up about it but I said there was no point as he did not remember. I feel that if he knew the whole story about me liking it at the time that he may not have forgiven me.

I talked to my best friend about it and she just said that it was dumb and I should never do it again and I have learned from it. She doesn't think I need to feel guilty cause nothing really happened..

I quit my job recently and we did IVF again and this time I am pregnant by 6 weeks, now that all the emotions and stress of IVF are gone, feelings of guilt are resurfacing. I haven't thought about this incident in a year but now I want to throw up just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared he will leave me as he feels strongly about people cheating.

I know that God has forgiven me but do I need to confess to my husband everything?

Enjoying a shoulder touch, when feeling poorly, is not adultery.

Guilt is to be prayed over, confess to your husband if you want it lifted.

Sin often has little to do with bearing a child successfully. God has His ways.

[Southern]

9 hours ago, JohnD said:

Psalm 51 is the best confession passage in scripture. Verse 4 says that David (who wrote the Psalm) confesses that his sin was against the Lord only. 

There is a general statement about confessing our sins one to another... which IMHO is more a statement about not being a hypocrite and acting as if we don't sin at all... you already said you confessed it to your sister. 

David sinned against Bathsheba (even if she may have had no qualm about bathing on the roof of her house in view of the palace), he sinned against Uriah in the process, he had Uriah murdered after his plan to cover up his sin failed. He got Joab to help in this plot. The child born in sin died, as did Amnon and Absalom, and his daughter Tamar was raped by her half brother. 

Psalm 51:4 (AV)
4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

Now this may also be because the whole world knows (or has biblical access to all of the lewd details... I don't know. I do know we should all study 1 John 1:5 - 1 John 2:17 with regard to our sins that we are already forgiven for (and thus we are only in need of getting back in touch with that forgiveness which our sins and guilt alienate us from [feelings wise]). 

Consult the Lord / have people over in Prayer Requests here pray for you. 

He may want you to tell your husband. 

Any who saw your brother-in-law's actions, your sister who you confided in, and your brother-in-law (I suspect remembers and is just covering his guilt) all know what happened. 

You said you told your husband about the incident and most likely he will confront his brother about it eventually. 

Your dilemma is in feeling guilty over being human (there are many things we should not say or think or do that we like, love, or get turned on by). This is a major reason God gave us the commandments not to indulge in them. But we live in a world that indulges them, flaunts them,  encourages them, or where it is acceptable to become uninhibited through excess drinking or drugs... we are animals by nature. From the time we are infants we are conditioned, trained, disciplined not to give into our baser urges (beginning as early as toilet training). 

This is what we must remind ourselves of daily since we tend to forget it and often deceive ourselves. 

We are not good by nature. 

God living in us and among us is the only good there actually is. 

As Tim Allen said in a Last Man Standing script once to his "daughter" Mandy, "If you tell Kyle you kissed another guy, you may feel better about what you did but you will make Kyle feel terrible." 

She replied, "But I feel just awful about it." 

He responded, "Perhaps you should." 

Maybe it's a lesson to keep it from happening again. 

Lastly (and this is a big one):

The Bible speaks to the Lord's grace being greater than our consciences. Sometimes we can find it impossible to forgive ourselves. And the devil can bring up any number of our past sins to guilt trip us into th insane asylum if we let him. Don't! I can't recall the pastor who said it, but it was inspired. He said, "Whenever the devil reminds you of your past... remind him of his future." 

I don't believe most can go into exorcism type confrontations with demons, which is another topic, so I do not encourage that. But mentioning (aloud*) that death and hell and the serpent will be thrown into the lake of fire where the beast and the false prophet are to suffer forever and ever shouldn't cause any trouble...  its quoting scripture (Revelation 20) and it [should] stop any 'assisted' feelings of guilt. 

* aloud because the devil and demons cannot read your mind

Hope this helps. And I have prayed for you, sister.

 

9 hours ago, JohnD said:

Thank you for your response, after the incident in question I stopped drinking heavily. I have now been completely alcohol free for 5 months. After becoming pregnant I did feel attacked by guilt for a variety of things that happened in the past, even things that I knew I had resolved and been fully forgiven for. It was such a miracle becoming pregnant with this baby as we were told to get a sperm donor, I have been feeling spiritually attacked by guilt.

Last night I spoke with my husband about a few things I was feeling guilty about including the incident with his brother. I also apologised for not listening to him as I should have. He said he has moved past it and that he thinks I learnt my lesson. 

I didn't tell him about how it made me feel as I knew that would kill him, however I did discuss struggling with lustful thoughts because of the media etc. He said he struggles with that as well and we talked about how we can try our best to have clean thought patterns.

I am going to read my bible and pray about this also.

 

 

9 hours ago, JohnD said:

 

 

[Southern]

9 hours ago, Justin Adams said:

Simple advice. You do not need to tell your spouse stuff you tell your priest or accountability person.

If you read Animal Farm you will probably get my drift.

Guilt is NOT from the Lord God. So it can be a very sneaky way to destroy relationships.

The 'need' to unburden is a selfish thing. Unburden to God alone. Guilt is as very dangerous element. It destroys people that do NOT need to know certain things.

Be kind to one another and do not lay stuff on them they do not need.

Thank you for your response, after the incident in question I stopped drinking heavily. I have now been completely alcohol free for 5 months. After becoming pregnant I did feel attacked by guilt for a variety of things that happened in the past, even things that I knew I had resolved and been fully forgiven for. It was such a miracle becoming pregnant with this baby as we were told to get a sperm donor, I have been feeling spiritually attacked by guilt.

Last night I spoke with my husband about a few things I was feeling guilty about including the incident with his brother. I also apologised for not listening to him as I should have. He said he has moved past it and that he thinks I learnt my lesson. 

I didn't tell him about how it made me feel as I knew that would kill him, however I did discuss struggling with lustful thoughts because of the media etc. He said he struggles with that as well and we talked about how we can try our best to have clean thought patterns.

I am going to read my bible and pray about this also.
 

[Southern]

7 hours ago, Blood Bought 1953 said:

 

Dont beat yourself up for being human.Be greatful you had the integrity to not let things get MUCH worse.The bigger lesson to be learned here is to pour all of your booze down the drain if you are not able to drink in moderation.Keep an eye on your  in- Law.He knows EXACTY what went on......He was testing the waters. I was a drunk for 20 years.His “ memory loss “ is B.S.  The booze gave him the courage to do what he wanted to do.

Thank you for your response, after the incident in question I stopped drinking heavily. I have now been completely alcohol free for 5 months. After becoming pregnant I did feel attacked by guilt for a variety of things that happened in the past, even things that I knew I had resolved and been fully forgiven for. It was such a miracle becoming pregnant with this baby as we were told to get a sperm donor, I have been feeling spiritually attacked by guilt.

Last night I spoke with my husband about a few things I was feeling guilty about including the incident with his brother. I also apologised for not listening to him as I should have. He said he has moved past it and that he thinks I learnt my lesson. 

I didn't tell him about how it made me feel as I knew that would kill him, however I did discuss struggling with lustful thoughts because of the media etc. He said he struggles with that as well and we talked about how we can try our best to have clean thought patterns.

I am going to read my bible and pray about this also.

In regards to the in-law we have gone back to our previous brother-sister relationship and its like nothing happened.. he and his gf even came round last night and I felt nothing about it. Its just my own guilt that I need to deal with, I don't think anything is to be gained by speaking to him about what happened.. Even if  admitted he remembered he would probably brush it off with a "I was just being brotherly towards you and looking out for you while you were drunk,sorry that I accidentally touched your thigh a few times." 
 

[Justin Adams]

I could tell a story about a person I knew about that suddenly had a guilt trip after 20 years.

He confessed, his wife threw him out, he could not afford boat insurance. He went down in the Pacific taking an untoward risk. All gone. All lost. Family devastated. Tragedy!!

Guilt is a weapon from the adversary. BEWARE.