Feeling guilty

[Alyzza0925]

Hi! I'm quite new here. My problem for sure is not that big compared to others (one of the things I find myself being guilty of) My negative outlook started 3rd yr in highschool (age 14 yrs old). I was an overachiever in school. Way back then, I love studying, reading and find no fault in others. Then 3rd yr highschool came, I did not have the grades I perseved myself to have, I started having acne problems and weight gain. I covered it with makeup but still everything is not emotionally stable for me so I unknowingly practiced absentism. I hide whenever someone I know from school comes to our house or when I meet other people in public. That was the point where I just stayed home hiding from everyone; pretending to sleep even with relatives visiting. 4th year highschool came and somehow I redeemed and encourage myself to never be absent on quiz or make excuses just to take exam on special exam days (that's what I did in the past year). So college came, I became indecisive in college of choice while others around me are entering prestigious schools that I thought I could enter but failed in entrance exams. So I settled in provicial college. 1st year up to 2nd year, my coping mechanism (which is hateful and defective) belittle and disrespect the school. I was treated as smart and good looking which I seemed to preen on; proudly separated myself from the group. It was 2 weeks of no one speaking to me, being alone always and I loved it; knowing they where admiring me. Then before the 2nd year of college ends, I think God gave me a push. He failed me a subject that will surely give impact and delay me in school. Failing that subject will be obvious because you won't be able to wear medical uniform. So I remained wearing the school uniform while still getting grades that made me be exempted from exams. 3rd year came, I bounce back from that failed grade and by bounce back I mean God made me the top of the class of that subject. Knowing me, it went to my head. Despite God giving me blessings, I developed this mentality of secretly being happy and wising others to have little failures. I became hateful when others posted in social media their achievements, comparing to mine which up to now, makes me feel small. So 4th year came, it was the most hectic schedule of class. I go to school from 7am then go home almost 8pm. God put me with this class of people who i'm not used to. They give these praises that frontally makes you say 'no, of course not'. I'll give you example:

There will be a hard quiz on that day. They will say 'Oh you will obviously get the highest score, totally!' Then I will say 'no, way I didn't review'. 

It was like that throughout 4th and 5th year (until now they actually do it). 

The outcome of the quiz result will surprise me because they got better score than me. For short, they were toxic. They feed this tiny voice that is happy when others fail. 

I made sure I don't associate myself with them as much as our schedule allow. 

Being with them for 2 years made my standards low, made me realize my failures and I hated myself more because I started giving others opinion the basis of my actions. 

Medical board exam came. I barely passed it. I know that only my everyday prayers is what saved that passing score. Then I found out they got more than the passing rate. They message me asking my rate, I lied to them by omission. Then they said 'Oh you totally got way past 90' when in actuallity I got way below 79. This solidified my decision to keep on lying about my score and effectively questioning God's ultimate blessing to me (because that board exam is really important). 

 

Until today, I'm still buried in lies I blurt out to my family about my rating, about my failed job interview. 

 

I'm in constant state of sadness. I sleep morethan being awake. I hurt people who love me the most through hurtfull shoutings. I made promises to those who helped me that until now I haven't fulfilled. Through out those years and presently- I masturbate with this idea then whenever I do it the result would be a badluck throughout the day. 

 

Writing this made me realize what I already know- I really don't like me.

[George]

Welcome to Worthy Aly!  I didn't see this post until just now -- but I wanted to ask -- if you're still around -- how are you feeling now ?