Finding life in Him

[Sum1]

I have a problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. That is that I hate my dad and I dunno how to 4giv him, and this hatred consumes me all the time.

There's a few reasons why I hate him, the main ones being that he continually shows through his actions (or rather inaction) how much he doesn't care about me and my sibs; and that he's a hypocrite. Basically, he chose to homeschool prolly b4 we were born, but he really limited what mom could do, and he didn't do much himself, we can't even have or use a computer. I have to sneak around just to use this phone. Bottom line, I'm turning 19 in a few weeks, and I have less academic knowledge than a 6th or 7th grader, and same for my sibs. And my dad, it's like he doesn't care what happens as long as we're under his control… and he hardly ever does anything productive, most of the time, unless he has to see someone, he'll just sleep all day, and watch TV and play games on his phone all night. And he says he wants things to change, but he's been saying that for years, and he never does anything, all his guarantees and words and assurances have all come to nothing, his words mean nothing to me anymore.

And I say he's a hypocrite coz he claims he's a Christian, but he sure doesn't live like one… but he's got evry1 at church fooled, to a certain degree anyway, I mean, his easily-angerable-ness is obvious, but no one really knows about his life outside church, and of course, that's just the way he wants it.    There's this other afternoon church we started going to a couple months ago, and as far as I can see, the only reason we're going there is bcoz they let dad sing upfront on stage no-questions-asked, just coz he has a 'good voice' (and a 'convincing story' about how he came here as a missionary) and that just infuriates me. And whenever he's up, at our usual morning church or this other one, he actually acts like he means what he's singing, all hands in the air and everything… he's full of garbage… 

There's been plenty of times I just wanted to talk to someone, but I was afraid that if dad found out that I had told someone something about him that he didn't want known, he would make us stop going to that church, coz he'd threatened that b4… and I didn't wanna risk it coz we're homeschooled, so that's the only place where I really know any1 (not that I really know any1 in close way, coz I can't tell them much about myself coz pretty much everything leads back to something about dad)…

I'm prolly blaming for a lot more than is due him, but there is a lot that is not being conveyed here.

Anyway, I wanna forgive him, not bcoz I wanna, but just bcoz I'm sick of hating, being filled with hate, but I've tried and I just dunno how…

I do hate him less now than I did b4, but that's only bcoz there's a person I hate more than him now… myself… in all this time I've been focusing on him and hating him, I haven't seen that I'm becoming just like him, and now, a lot of the things I hate him for, I also do myself… 

I'm disgusted at myself, I hate myself for every part of me that is anything like him, one of the biggest is that I also have done nothing about the situation.

Things have been the way they are for WAY too long, and it just feels like nothings ever gonna change, like he's never gonna change, so now, I'm pretty much living, no, surviving, hopelessly.  I'm so sick of how pessimistic and negative I am all the time. And like, nothing even makes me wanna get up in the mornings anymore…

I know I should pray about all these things, for my heart to be changed, for my dad, for my family, for the situation, but I feel like its pointless if I don't even believe I am saved.

Up until almost a year ago, I did believe I was saved though, but I was deceiving myself, I saw what I wanted to see, but then I started seeing things how they really were.

I've got problems just like evry1 else does, but any problems in this life are only minor, they pale in comparison with the major problem that every person starts with, being sinful and imperfect. And I'm pretty darn sure i still have that major problem, I don't have a personal relationship with Christ. And I don't even have a desire to. But I want to have that desire, coz I know that I need Him.

And I've prayed the prayer more times than I can count, but I never change, I never let go. Clearly I don't really mean it in my heart.

The only prayer i ever really pray now is: 'I need u Jesus, help me surrender to u and let go of everything else." When I prat this, its the only time I feel sincere, like I mean it, but everything else always feels fake and insincere. But I'm such a hypocrite… I tell Jesus almost every day that i need Him and I can't go on living like this without Him, but I never do anything about it… it seems like I know that I need Him, that He is the truth, and the Word is the truth, but I just don't believe it, or maybe i just don't care enough to do anything about it, and every1 knows dead faith is useless… I dunno, maybe I just dunno how to believe, how to trust, how to have faith… I'm such an idiot…

I really needa get rid of this unforgiveness, bitterness and hatred, coz I feel like it's (at least seemingly) holding me back from going anywhere with Christ. 

Apart from Him I am nothing… I need help, I dunno what to do…

I hope someone can advise, encourage, pray, correct, counsel, etc.

[RustyAngeL]

1 hour ago, Sum1 said:

I have a problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. That is that I hate my dad and I dunno how to 4giv him, and this hatred consumes me all the time.

There's a few reasons why I hate him, the main ones being that he continually shows through his actions (or rather inaction) how much he doesn't care about me and my sibs; and that he's a hypocrite. Basically, he chose to homeschool prolly b4 we were born, but he really limited what mom could do, and he didn't do much himself, we can't even have or use a computer. I have to sneak around just to use this phone. Bottom line, I'm turning 19 in a few weeks, and I have less academic knowledge than a 6th or 7th grader, and same for my sibs. And my dad, it's like he doesn't care what happens as long as we're under his control… and he hardly ever does anything productive, most of the time, unless he has to see someone, he'll just sleep all day, and watch TV and play games on his phone all night. And he says he wants things to change, but he's been saying that for years, and he never does anything, all his guarantees and words and assurances have all come to nothing, his words mean nothing to me anymore.

And I say he's a hypocrite coz he claims he's a Christian, but he sure doesn't live like one… but he's got evry1 at church fooled, to a certain degree anyway, I mean, his easily-angerable-ness is obvious, but no one really knows about his life outside church, and of course, that's just the way he wants it.    There's this other afternoon church we started going to a couple months ago, and as far as I can see, the only reason we're going there is bcoz they let dad sing upfront on stage no-questions-asked, just coz he has a 'good voice' (and a 'convincing story' about how he came here as a missionary) and that just infuriates me. And whenever he's up, at our usual morning church or this other one, he actually acts like he means what he's singing, all hands in the air and everything… he's full of garbage… 

There's been plenty of times I just wanted to talk to someone, but I was afraid that if dad found out that I had told someone something about him that he didn't want known, he would make us stop going to that church, coz he'd threatened that b4… and I didn't wanna risk it coz we're homeschooled, so that's the only place where I really know any1 (not that I really know any1 in close way, coz I can't tell them much about myself coz pretty much everything leads back to something about dad)…

I'm prolly blaming for a lot more than is due him, but there is a lot that is not being conveyed here.

Anyway, I wanna forgive him, not bcoz I wanna, but just bcoz I'm sick of hating, being filled with hate, but I've tried and I just dunno how…

I do hate him less now than I did b4, but that's only bcoz there's a person I hate more than him now… myself… in all this time I've been focusing on him and hating him, I haven't seen that I'm becoming just like him, and now, a lot of the things I hate him for, I also do myself… 

I'm disgusted at myself, I hate myself for every part of me that is anything like him, one of the biggest is that I also have done nothing about the situation.

Things have been the way they are for WAY too long, and it just feels like nothings ever gonna change, like he's never gonna change, so now, I'm pretty much living, no, surviving, hopelessly.  I'm so sick of how pessimistic and negative I am all the time. And like, nothing even makes me wanna get up in the mornings anymore…

I know I should pray about all these things, for my heart to be changed, for my dad, for my family, for the situation, but I feel like its pointless if I don't even believe I am saved.

Up until almost a year ago, I did believe I was saved though, but I was deceiving myself, I saw what I wanted to see, but then I started seeing things how they really were.

I've got problems just like evry1 else does, but any problems in this life are only minor, they pale in comparison with the major problem that every person starts with, being sinful and imperfect. And I'm pretty darn sure i still have that major problem, I don't have a personal relationship with Christ. And I don't even have a desire to. But I want to have that desire, coz I know that I need Him.

And I've prayed the prayer more times than I can count, but I never change, I never let go. Clearly I don't really mean it in my heart.

The only prayer i ever really pray now is: 'I need u Jesus, help me surrender to u and let go of everything else." When I prat this, its the only time I feel sincere, like I mean it, but everything else always feels fake and insincere. But I'm such a hypocrite… I tell Jesus almost every day that i need Him and I can't go on living like this without Him, but I never do anything about it… it seems like I know that I need Him, that He is the truth, and the Word is the truth, but I just don't believe it, or maybe i just don't care enough to do anything about it, and every1 knows dead faith is useless… I dunno, maybe I just dunno how to believe, how to trust, how to have faith… I'm such an idiot…

I really needa get rid of this unforgiveness, bitterness and hatred, coz I feel like it's (at least seemingly) holding me back from going anywhere with Christ. 

Apart from Him I am nothing… I need help, I dunno what to do…

I hope someone can advise, encourage, pray, correct, counsel, etc.

The bottom line is you are not his judge.  By not forgiving him and holding on to that bitterness he will never see Christ in you.  You would throw him for a loop if you went up to him and told him that you loved him no matter how he feels about you.  A woman that use to live around the corner from me hated her dad too.  For over 40 years Tracy held on to that bitterness and hatred.  She said she would never forgive him and she never did.  She died two months ago and her life was a wreck.  She was an alcoholic , drug addict, and everything else. That kind of attitude can turn you into something you don't even want to think about.  She died unsaved, and hating everyone around her.  I know your a Christian but with holding on to the poison  that you are  can and will effect you in many ways and none of them good.

The Holy Spirit can only work through a yielded vessel.  As a believer you are supposed to be that vessel, and you are right it, will with hold blessings from God.  The first thing you need to do is ask forgiveness yourself for even speaking of hating your father. In spite of everything you are to honor your mother and father.  You want forgiveness?  guess what?  you have to forgive first.

I hope this helps.  The enemy just loves to see this kind of thing.  Do you really want to feed into his tricks and lies give him the victory when Jesus can restore your dad, you and your relationship?

Blessings, RustyAngeL 

[enoob57]

If satan can keep you in a false place then you will continue in error.... first when you came to Jesus (?) you were all alone and when you die and stand before Him you be all alone... therefore all exterior things that we let effect us in relationship to Him 'we do allow' and are solely responsible for! All of us have sin as a daily battle within and we are to eject it from ourselves as we draw nearer to Him.

Romans 6:1 (ESV)

 

Chapter 6

Dead to Sin, Alive to God

[6:1] What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? [2] By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? [3] Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? [4] We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

[5] For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. [6] We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. [7] For one who has died has been set free from sin. [8] Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. [9] We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. [10] For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. [11] So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

do you really think letting externals that you have no control over effect that which you have been given control of an excuse with Jesus? Living in a false place promotes false foundations which lead to empty life that you will bring all alone into His Presence with no excuse!

2 Corinthians 5:8 (KJV)

[8] We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

[9] Wherefore we labour, that, whether present or absent, we may be accepted of him.

Love, Steven

[BK1110]

Welcome, Sum1, happy to have you here!

Forgiving those who are unrepentant can be one of the hardest things in life to do. I pray you will be filled with God's love and wisdom and understanding so you can let go of any hatred or bitterness. Just remember that not forgiving others negatively affects us, and God doesn't want that for you!

This may help, God bless!

Edited May 6, 2017 by OneLight
Removed YouTube Link

[Sum1]

20 hours ago, RustyAngeL said:

(1)

The bottom line is you are not his judge.  By not forgiving him and holding on to that bitterness he will never see Christ in you.

(2)

 You would throw him for a loop if you went up to him and told him that you loved him no matter how he feels about you.

(3)

 A woman that use to live around the corner from me hated her dad too.  For over 40 years Tracy held on to that bitterness and hatred.  She said she would never forgive him and she never did.  She died two months ago and her life was a wreck.  She was an alcoholic , drug addict, and everything else. That kind of attitude can turn you into something you don't even want to think about.  She died unsaved, and hating everyone around her.

(4)

 I know your a Christian but with holding on to the poison  that you are  can and will effect you in many ways and none of them good.

(5)

The Holy Spirit can only work through a yielded vessel.  As a believer you are supposed to be that vessel, and you are right it, will with hold blessings from God.

(6)

 The first thing you need to do is ask forgiveness yourself for even speaking of hating your father. In spite of everything you are to honor your mother and father.

(7)

  You want forgiveness?  guess what?  you have to forgive first.

I hope this helps.  The enemy just loves to see this kind of thing.  

(8)

Do you really want to feed into his tricks and lies give him the victory when Jesus can restore your dad, you and your relationship?

Blessings, RustyAngeL 

First, thank u for replying to my post…

I'm gonna use numbers to indicate which part of what u said I am referring to, so when u see a number, u can see how it corresponds with what u said. 

(1) I know I'm not his judge, but I made a decision a long time ago to hate him, and I dunno how to change that. I already said I wanna forgive him, so u don't need to tell me reasons why I should forgive him.

(2) I hope I can do that at some point in the future, but I'm not there yet, I'm not ready. Right now, I can't do that.

(3) again, no need to give me reasons for why I should forgive him, I already said I want to. I don't needa know why I should, I already know, I needa know how.

(4) I dunno why u say that I'm a Christian, I thought I made it clear in my OP that I'm not. I know He is the truth, but I don't really believe

(5) that's another problem, surrendering to Him, I'm not sure how to do that either, I mean, it's more than just choosing His life over mine isn't it?

(6) you make it sound like it's a bad thing that I said anything… what was I supposed to do, go on not talking to any1?

(7) I know, this already, Jesus said if u refuse to forgive others, God won't forgive you.

(8) I know Jesus can restore these things, but I don't really care right now, I don't care if He restores him or our relationship, first thing is that I'm right with Him, and I'm not there yet.

 

 

Thank u for trying to help…

[*Deidre*]

I'm sorry you're hurting over your dad. I too had struggles with my father, and we reconciled last year, after I came back to faith. It wasn't easy at first, but your dad, like you...like me...like everyone here...is imperfect. Seek to pray for him, you don't have to like him at times, but what turned things around for me with my situation, was seeing my dad through Jesus' eyes, and not my own. Your father may always be who he is, but you can choose to love him and pray for him. I hope things get better.

[BK1110]

17 hours ago, Sum1 said:

(4) I dunno why u say that I'm a Christian, I thought I made it clear in my OP that I'm not. I know He is the truth, but I don't really believe

If you know He's truth, why don't you believe?

[Sum1]

17 hours ago, RustyAngeL said:

As you wish.

???

[Sum1]

2 hours ago, BK1110 said:

If you know He's truth, why don't you believe?

I don't know…

[Willa]

19 hours ago, *Deidre* said:

I'm sorry you're hurting over your dad. I too had struggles with my father, and we reconciled last year, after I came back to faith. It wasn't easy at first, but your dad, like you...like me...like everyone here...is imperfect. Seek to pray for him, you don't have to like him at times, but what turned things around for me with my situation, was seeing my dad through Jesus' eyes, and not my own. Your father may always be who he is, but you can choose to love him and pray for him. I hope things get better.

You chose to hate your dad.  Now you can choose to love him.  It is a choice.  You won't feel any different till you choose to act.  Ask your dad to forgive you for being hateful toward him.  It won't be easy, but it is what you need to do.  When you make the effort, God will start giving you better feelings toward him.  Corrie tenBoom speaks of doing this.  She hated the prison guard who beat here sister when they were in Auschwitz prison camp in Germany.  So when the guy got saved and asked her to forgive him, all the hatred came back to her.  But she chose to forgive him and take his hand, and when she did God also gave her love for him.  

I backslid, and when I came back to the Lord God convicted me of hating my father in law, who was himself a hate filled person.  I knew that I was lost because I couldn't love the guy.  Someone told me to thank God for my father in law, and to ask God to love him through me.  I did pray that, but I continued to struggle with my attitude till he died.  He did not know Christ and he hated me for being a Christian.  

Your dad sounds to me like he is depressed.  It is normal to get a little that way because he left his home and friends to go to a strange place as a missionary, and things might not have worked out the way he expected.   A christian psychologist once told me that depression is anger turned inward.  It sounds like you are also depressed.  The same guy told me that we become like what we focus on.  So if you focus on the person you hate, you become like himl.  If you focus on God and His love for both you and your dad, you become like Jesus.  Perhaps God will even give you compassion on your dad because you might now know how he feels.

Rom 4:5 NKJV  But to him who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness,  Rom 4:6  just as David also describes the blessedness of the man to whom God imputes righteousness apart from works:  Rom 4:7  "BLESSED ARE THOSE WHOSE LAWLESS DEEDS ARE FORGIVEN, AND WHOSE SINS ARE COVERED;  Rom 4:8  BLESSED IS THE MAN TO WHOM THE LORD SHALL NOT IMPUTE SIN."

Sometimes God allows us to go through things like this to remove our self righteousness and judgmental attitudes.   He chastens those He loves.  And He is eager to welcome home His prodigals that are tired of eating pig slop.  

Blessings,

Willa