the spectre of darkness and suicide...need to vent

[Pete66]

Hi,

 

I'm not sure if this 'topic' will actually post as I'm new here and there's a posting policy, but here goes.

 

I'll jump right into it and let the more gritty details appear as we go along.

 

We? Ha....I guess that remains to be seen.

 

Anyway, here's the deal. I'm a believer, who once was filled with such great passion for the sharing of the gospel that I didn't care about anything of this world. The devil and his exploits be damned... I knew God was in control so my circumstances didn't dictate my confidence faith and following of Christ.

 

Years later, after a great deal of hardship and effort to do what is right, I find myself injured and without fight.  For about a year my heart and mind were buried in darkness. No amount of understanding of Scripture, no amount of looking to those things I can be thankful for, no amount of love from others, nothing, was able to break through. It was, as it were, a path of complete darkness, with no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

 

I was not suicidal during this time (nor now, for the record), but I didn't want to live. How could I survive, having all that was precious to me, my dreams, my involvement with various ministry efforts, everything, stripped away and taken from me, leaving me with nothing but a broken heart, a distraught mind and a feeling of emptiness that not even the love of my wife and children could take me out of.

 

Today, well, there was a period of refreshing, where life seemed to count for something, but now that time seems to have dwindled and, I fear, may continue to do so until there is nothing left. I repeat - I am NOT suicidal - but I am clearly not happy, and the life I have, though sinful to say so, I am not wanting to continue.

 

I need to vent. I need to not keep this locked inside, but those close to me lack understanding and/or seem unable to walk away from my sharing of this without being somehow damaged. My emotions are strong and my thoughts quite penetrating, and therefore I need to be able to work it out... get these out there so hopefully the enemy will lose his grip on me.

 

I am seriously damaged goods. May God see fit to recover me!

[wingnut-]

Hello brother,

 

You mentioned that your life is sinful.  I am not sure what those sins are, but I would suggest removing them for a start.  You need not explain them, just my thoughts are that if you are willfully disobedient with God, He will let you hit rock bottom until you remove the problem.  God bless you.

[Pete66]

Hi Wingnut.

 

Correction - not that my life is sinful (but then again, who's isn't. Being saved doesn't mean being sinless, right?) but that the thought of not wanting the life I have is sinful. God not only created me but gave me the life I have. Should the pot tell the potter what meal should be cooked in it? If the life I have is indeed the will of God, and I claim to want the will of God in my life, is it not therefore sinful to "reject" (be unhappy with) the life I've been given?

[wingnut-]

Hi Wingnut.

 

Correction - not that my life is sinful (but then again, who's isn't. Being saved doesn't mean being sinless, right?) but that the thought of not wanting the life I have is sinful. God not only created me but gave me the life I have. Should the pot tell the potter what meal should be cooked in it? If the life I have is indeed the will of God, and I claim to want the will of God in my life, is it not therefore sinful to "reject" (be unhappy with) the life I've been given?

 

Ah ok, I just misunderstood your post.  My apologies.  No, being saved does not make us suddenly perfect, although our sins are removed in His sight.  Perhaps if you feel incomplete in some way, there is something you should be doing.  I am not really qualified to answer that, but I will be praying for you brother.

[Riverwalker]

It is hard when that which we hold so dear is ripped away from us. And when pride is involved it is that much harder and it sent you into chaos that you have since returned from

 

What your life was....you cannot get back.

 

But a new life awaits and God has set in motion His new plan for our life.

 

Where you are now...is good, keep walking after the Lord and it will get better.

 

If you want to send me a message I will be happy to listen and talk to you

 

I am a 56 year old married man if that makes a difference

Edited January 16, 2015 by Riverwalker

[Pete66]

 

Hi Wingnut.

 

Correction - not that my life is sinful (but then again, who's isn't. Being saved doesn't mean being sinless, right?) but that the thought of not wanting the life I have is sinful. God not only created me but gave me the life I have. Should the pot tell the potter what meal should be cooked in it? If the life I have is indeed the will of God, and I claim to want the will of God in my life, is it not therefore sinful to "reject" (be unhappy with) the life I've been given?

 

Ah ok, I just misunderstood your post.  My apologies.  No, being saved does not make us suddenly perfect, although our sins are removed in His sight.  Perhaps if you feel incomplete in some way, there is something you should be doing.  I am not really qualified to answer that, but I will be praying for you brother.

 

I had a feeling that was the case. I'm already prepared to trust your heart, seeing sincerity in this and other posts I found your name on.

 

I have thought on that point of "feel incomplete....there is something you should be doing." The answer to that has not come readily or clearly.

[Pete66]

It is hard when that which we hold so dear is ripped away from us. And when pride is involved it is that much harder and it sent you into chaos that you have since returned from

 

What your life was....you cannot get back.

 

But a new life awaits and God has set in motion His new plan for our life.

 

Where you are now...is good, keep walking after the Lord and it will get better.

 

If you want to send me a message I will be happy to listen and talk to you

 

I am a 56 year old married man if that makes a difference

Hi, RW.

 

Where I am now...is good? "For it is God in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure."  Yes, it would seem that it is good.

 

That said, it is yet *very* unpleasant. And despite repeated calls to the Lord, the heaviness remains. I speculate something of what wingnut said ("there is something I should be doing") plays into this, but I'm not entirely convinced. Another idea is that of God grooming for something, so that the experience I am having is indeed "good", is not a result of any wrong doing on my part, and will eventually work itself out to my pleasure (for having done something according to the will of God) and His glory and honour.

[Riverwalker]

 

It is hard when that which we hold so dear is ripped away from us. And when pride is involved it is that much harder and it sent you into chaos that you have since returned from

 

What your life was....you cannot get back.

 

But a new life awaits and God has set in motion His new plan for our life.

 

Where you are now...is good, keep walking after the Lord and it will get better.

 

If you want to send me a message I will be happy to listen and talk to you

 

I am a 56 year old married man if that makes a difference

Hi, RW.

 

Where I am now...is good? "For it is God in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure."  Yes, it would seem that it is good.

 

That said, it is yet *very* unpleasant. And despite repeated calls to the Lord, the heaviness remains. I speculate something of what wingnut said ("there is something I should be doing") plays into this, but I'm not entirely convinced. Another idea is that of God grooming for something, so that the experience I am having is indeed "good", is not a result of any wrong doing on my part, and will eventually work itself out to my pleasure (for having done something according to the will of God) and His glory and honour.

 

 

And I would speculate that you do not seek to minister again until your spiritual house is in order

[Pete66]

 

 

It is hard when that which we hold so dear is ripped away from us. And when pride is involved it is that much harder and it sent you into chaos that you have since returned from

 

What your life was....you cannot get back.

 

But a new life awaits and God has set in motion His new plan for our life.

 

Where you are now...is good, keep walking after the Lord and it will get better.

 

If you want to send me a message I will be happy to listen and talk to you

 

I am a 56 year old married man if that makes a difference

Hi, RW.

 

Where I am now...is good? "For it is God in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure."  Yes, it would seem that it is good.

 

That said, it is yet *very* unpleasant. And despite repeated calls to the Lord, the heaviness remains. I speculate something of what wingnut said ("there is something I should be doing") plays into this, but I'm not entirely convinced. Another idea is that of God grooming for something, so that the experience I am having is indeed "good", is not a result of any wrong doing on my part, and will eventually work itself out to my pleasure (for having done something according to the will of God) and His glory and honour.

 

 

And I would speculate that you do not seek to minister again until your spiritual house is in order

 

A sound speculation, which of course is one of the most painful realities of this whole circumstance. It comes down to a question of why such a passion was put in me when in the end I am to be muzzled . The things of this world leave such a bad taste in my mouth, so the relevance of my life has all but disappeared. How tempting it is to say "I just don't know what to do", but I refrain, knowing the answer most, if not all, will give is to pray to God for answers and do what it is He is telling you to do in order to correct the situation. No sense enduring the repetition, right?

[Riverwalker]

 

 

 

It is hard when that which we hold so dear is ripped away from us. And when pride is involved it is that much harder and it sent you into chaos that you have since returned from

 

What your life was....you cannot get back.

 

But a new life awaits and God has set in motion His new plan for our life.

 

Where you are now...is good, keep walking after the Lord and it will get better.

 

If you want to send me a message I will be happy to listen and talk to you

 

I am a 56 year old married man if that makes a difference

Hi, RW.

 

Where I am now...is good? "For it is God in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure."  Yes, it would seem that it is good.

 

That said, it is yet *very* unpleasant. And despite repeated calls to the Lord, the heaviness remains. I speculate something of what wingnut said ("there is something I should be doing") plays into this, but I'm not entirely convinced. Another idea is that of God grooming for something, so that the experience I am having is indeed "good", is not a result of any wrong doing on my part, and will eventually work itself out to my pleasure (for having done something according to the will of God) and His glory and honour.

 

 

And I would speculate that you do not seek to minister again until your spiritual house is in order

 

A sound speculation, which of course is one of the most painful realities of this whole circumstance. It comes down to a question of why such a passion was put in me when in the end I am to be muzzled . The things of this world leave such a bad taste in my mouth, so the relevance of my life has all but disappeared. How tempting it is to say "I just don't know what to do", but I refrain, knowing the answer most, if not all, will give is to pray to God for answers and do what it is He is telling you to do in order to correct the situation. No sense enduring the repetition, right?

 

 

If I may be blunt.....you have to learn how to be you.  I also started my Christian life at full speed, and very soon  jumped into ministry with both feet and it was an awesome time... but I had an eye on being a pulpit pounder in front of a mega church and God had a different idea.  I was fortunate to have a friend who felt no compunction about grabbing me by the nose and slapping me around a bit unto I was in a state to listen.    And God finally got my attention.

 

we are trees.....we don't GO into our ministries...we GROW into them.  God has set us on the path of our service and  when we try and change that course things go awry, the train jumps the track.

 

Take time now to grow into yourself, rebuilt the foundation in you and you will find opportunities will present themselves to you.  They may not be in the way you expect or even frankly, want. But they are the best for us.  God gave you a nature, and He gave it to you for a reason...HIS reason.   When you have reached solid ground and are back in a good place I am sure God will show it to you.  Right now, if your anything like me, if he told you what it was, you would probably jump right in. But the time is not yet...soon...but not yet

Edited January 16, 2015 by Riverwalker