The Process of Mediation in Marriage

[Guest ninhao]

I haven't found anything specific in the scriptures which relates to dispute settlement between a husband and wife. If one believes the other is sinning against them what is the correct course of action ?

So far my assessment tells me we should follow the process described in Matthew 18 which covers all believers.

Mat 18:15-17 KJV Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. (16) But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. (17) And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

1. The husband or wife tells the other they believe he or she is sinning against them

2. If they aren't receptive bring one or two people so that what is spoken is witnessed therefor making sure step 1. was followed.

3. If they aren't receptive tell the Church and the Church mediates

4. If they aren't receptive treat them as a heathen or publican.

I don't think these scriptures insist that every instance of sinning against a brother or sister should be addressed in this way, but I assume it would be for serious matters or repeated less serious matters. For instance in a marriage it could possibly take repeated verbal abuse to bring in witnesses. Possibly it could take only one physical instance of abuse.

If these steps are followed number 4. is a little confusing to me. If the unrepentant,guilty party is to be treated as a heathen does this mean they are now a non believer. Personally, I don't think so because the criteria for belief isn't contingent upon guiltlessness. Therefor in this instance I think the person who is being treated as a heathen is still a believer but is being treated as a non believer through separation from the Church until they repent. They could possibly become a non believer in the process but hopefully would repent and return to the Church accepting the discipline.

Heb 12:6-8 KJV For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. (7) If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? (8) But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.

I think this scripture shows while the disciplining is being carried out we are still believers but if the discipline makes us turn our back on God ( not endure )then we may become non believers.

I would like to know 3 things.

1. Should husband and wife use the process taught in Matthew 18 if necessary.

2. If so what are the implications of treating the unrepentant guilty party as a heathen.

3. If you don't believe this process should be used what process do you recommend and why. ( I would appreciate scripture and/or sound logic)

I think the smoke has cleared enough to attempt this discussion again

[Fez]

I would say that Matthew 18:15-17 does not apply because you are not married to your brother.....

There is ample scripture (recently discussed on Worthy), that covers marriage. So answering your question 1 in the negative, I will bow out of the conversation

[OneLight]

No matter who it is, scripture does not say "if you believe", but 'if they do' sin against you. You need to have the factual proof before accusing anyone. It is bad enough to do this to someone called a brother or sister, but if you falsely accuse your spouse, the damage that is done is far more extensive, much more than what you already have.

Agreeing with Fez, I will also follow his lead and bow out for now.

[JCISGD]

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband

But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

hi ninhao, the Lords instruction in to married believers via Paul in 1 Cor 7:10+11 covers this imo.

My thoughts below.

A believer must forgive or forfeit heaven, for there is no unforgiveness there. While Mat 18:15-17 is the process for believers to bring disputes into the light, it isnt to force another to accept our way, but a process to bring healing and resolve. Also removing ourselves from judging and leaving our dispute in the hands of God via the elders and body of Christ.

It is a temptation in marriage to try to win a dispute by bringing in a third party to agree with us, but the third party in marriage and with other believers is God, who has already told us not take disputes to court.

[Guest ninhao]

I would say that Matthew 18:15-17 does not apply because you are not married to your brother.....

There is ample scripture (recently discussed on Worthy), that covers marriage. So answering your question 1 in the negative, I will bow out of the conversation

Hello Fez,

Are you suggesting women are not covered by the Matthew 18 principle

Also, I haven't seen any scripture presented here which deals directly with this situation in marriage. I would appreciate if you could direct me to them.

[Guest ninhao]

No matter who it is, scripture does not say "if you believe", but 'if they do' sin against you. You need to have the factual proof before accusing anyone. It is bad enough to do this to someone called a brother or sister, but if you falsely accuse your spouse, the damage that is done is far more extensive, much more than what you already have.

Agreeing with Fez, I will also follow his lead and bow out for now.

Hello OneLight,

I am speaking of factual events which are not in dispute.. Events where the only thing in dispute is whether sin is being committed against a spouse.

If your spouse has beaten you for instance we can assume they have sinned against you,I believe. What process would you follow in this instance and could you use the Matthew 18 principles.

If not why ?

[Guest ninhao]

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband

But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

hi ninhao, the Lords instruction in to married believers via Paul in 1 Cor 7:10+11 covers this imo.

My thoughts below.

A believer must forgive or forfeit heaven, for there is no unforgiveness there. While Mat 18:15-17 is the process for believers to bring disputes into the light, it isnt to force another to accept our way, but a process to bring healing and resolve. Also removing ourselves from judging and leaving our dispute in the hands of God via the elders and body of Christ.

It is a temptation in marriage to try to win a dispute by bringing in a third party to agree with us, but the third party in marriage and with other believers is God, who has already told us not take disputes to court.

Hello JCISG,

To make the question more specific let me give a scenario. A spouse has beaten their partner several times, and there is bruising or lacerations as evidence.

What process would you recommend and is the Matthew 18 principle applicable?

[JTC]

Excuse me for butting in, but ninhao if this is what I think it is, I think you should choose 2 brothers who are willing to help. Once you have the 2, I think you should tell them exactly what the issue is and then get their advice. All this to be done in private, somehow. IMHO

[Guest ninhao]

Excuse me for butting in, but ninhao if this is what I think it is, I think you should choose 2 brothers who are willing to help. Once you have the 2, I think you should tell them exactly what the issue is and then get their advice. All this to be done in private, somehow. IMHO

Hello JTC,

For clarification and expediency could you answer the questions from the OP. ( please make no assumptions about the nature or reality of the situation )

Thankyou brother for your attention

1. Should husband and wife use the process taught in Matthew 18 if necessary.

2. If so what are the implications of treating the unrepentant guilty party as a heathen.

3. If you don't believe this process should be used what process do you recommend and why. ( I would appreciate scripture and/or sound logic)

[JCISGD]

#7 in that situation i think the police should be contacted, as its not a dispute but a crime. The church leaders should also be made aware of the proceedings and details, and if they try to dismiss, cover up or play down its seriousness, i think it would mean they are in error. Once the abuser has gone through the legal process, they should then be willing to go before the church body as proof of accountability and repentance.