Search the Community

Hello, I am in a very serious situation right now and I have no idea what to do about it. I have 9 days to move out of my trailer. I am on disability and only make $847 per month and I am already down to $400 being left in my account. Also, my utilities are in my ex-roommate's name and he moved out Monday so I my power, gas, and Internet can be shut off any time now. I have contacted every agency and apartment complex that I can find and I am getting no support and no help. I am a loner and I'm agoraphobic, severely social phobic, have bad panic and anxiety attacks and do not associate with anyone, really. All I have are 2 of my 4 adult daughters and they are not much help. My youngest is going through things. My 24 year old is stung out on drugs. My 25 year old is in jail and my oldest is in another city. I do not really associate with my mother because of things she's done to me and allowed to happen to me in the past. She is no support whatsoever. I have no one and nothing out here. I used to have my grandparents but they both died and now I am all alone. I have a man but he is in prison. I have 2 old male cats that I love very much and they are my life, but other than my cats, talking to my man on the phone and email, and God...I have no one. For some reason I am not getting anywhere. I have applied for all types of assistance and I am getting no help. I am on disability and am bipolar with psychotic episodes and have PTSD, borderline personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder. I have only been out of my house a handfull of times since November of 2009 and I have not driven a car since then either. I am not on my psychiatric meds right now because I had issues with my mental health care provider and plan on suing them. I can't go to a shelter because they are wanting me to put my cats in the animal shelter and I refuse to do that. That would kill my cats and me. My roommate was a 53 year old guy named Greg and he was very abusive, violent, and he spent his time harassing me, invading my privacy, threatening me, stealing from me, and trying to intimidate me. He caused a lot of problems around here for me and my kids and now I have to move out by the 18th of this month. He is a very bad person and he is on the run right now. There is a warrant out on him. He has 9 felonies and he's on probation for battery and has violated probation twice already. He had something going with the lady that works in the office here at the trailer court and she tampered with our lease and made it look like my daughter's name was never on it, he lied and got a protective order on her and got her kicked out of here, and that lady also wrote him a bogus letter stating that my daughter was banned from here. They had NO grounds. All she did was call the cops on my roommate 6 times because he was a threat. The cops kept telling us there was nothing they could do. I got tired of it and complained about that lady to the owner and the next thing I know I am getting a letter stating they are quitting my lease. I am only on here as an occupant. The utilities are in my ex-roommate's name. I am about to be sitting here with no power, nowhere to go, no support, no money, and on and on it goes. I simply do not know what else I can do. I owe the electric company $350, the gas company $65, and the Internet companies money. I have an eviction on my record and I have bad credit due to student loans. My eviction was really not my fault. I lived in my apartment for 5 years and was never late on my rent then new management came in and jacked the rent up really high and I couldn't afford it. I got evicted back in March of 2017 and I have been bouncing around from place to place since. I need a place of my own and to get my bills straightened out and I need people to help me get my life back on track. I have prayed and prayed about this and am getting no results. I need someone to pray for me that God will direct me to the people and resources I need that can help me. I am at my wits end and have nowhere left to turn.

This is a long post, one in which I've given a LOT of thought. Somehow or another, I believe suicide is my destiny. I don't know how or when, but it is inevitable. There's two elements that lead me to this conclusion, both mentally and spiritually. I've always been fairly melancholy; there's always been a deep void or a sense of emptiness. Metaphorically, there's always a dark haze within my consciousness (think Batman's Gotham). I am not now nor have I ever been abused by family, lover, or church. There are friends/family that love me and I'm sure would miss me. Life has its wonderful and beautiful moments. As I speak now, the golden Sun and the autumn rustling wind and aroma outside is wonderful! Yet, it all pales to the void within. In the last decade, I've tried to push past this by seeking purpose, something to be passionate about, and even wealth. So far, to no avail. My business endeavors have failed, cannot find anything to be passionate about, and certainly no purpose. Just, nothing, emptiness. As I get older, my family will be dying off; after a failed relationship I do not have the time nor patience for marrying. As early as age 15, I thought about the mudaneness of life. What is life? You go to work most of the week, come home attempting to savor the few free hours, and on off-days you catch up what you couldn't accomplish the rest of the week, only to repeat the same cycle over and over. For what? To keep the cycle going? Why do it? Suicide is the most logical answer, 18 years later even. Ecclesiastes touches on this very issue, of course, the point being life is nothing without God. However, that is not working out either. As Christians, when we accept Jesus as Lord & Savior, to save us from sin and to give us eternal life, we should gradually be becoming more "like Him", the relationship should become more of a living (maybe even obvious) reality, and our desire should be growing for Him. Frankly, I don't see that as the case with me. When searching my heart, I inevitably see it as self-centered, not really desiring God, and certainly not as a Living Reality. The efforts I have made to have a relationship with God, there seems to be no reciprocation, despite prayers to change my heart/desires, lead me in a meaningful direction, and to make the relationship more of a meaningful reality. Faith has never come easy for me to begin with. Underneath it all (and I'm not proud of it), part of me resents God for not only my creation, but ALL of Creation. Considering God is totally self-sufficient (does not need us), knowing full-well that most of mankind would not choose Him (even if it is by man's own free-will) and most likely suffer for eternity. That may be justice, but how does having that foreknowledge and moving forward with it anyway make for a God of love? Eternal fate aside, even the tamer "God grows us through suffering" line of reasoning, why have us endure it when God was perfectly content without us? It is quite hard to love a Being in that vein, even if He did offer to redeem us. Yes, I may accept His gift of salvation, but why create me in the first place? What's more, at my birth there was the chance I would not be born; my mother had a vision assuring her I would be born and healthy. So, obviously "God formed me in the womb" knowing the state of my future and had ample opportunity not to move forward with me. Why did He do it?? The only thing that has prevented me actually "fulfilling my destiny" is the fear of the afterlife as a result. Theologians can debate on whether or not there's a Biblical basis for suicide as a ticket to Hell or not, but that is immaterial here. Given my take on things above, personally, I wish for non-existence (suicide at the soul level). Unfortunately, I know it's not that easy. Christ is not going to redeem us only to end in non-existence, at the same time, I know the alternative is somehow worse. God will not allow non-existence without payment for sin in this life. So, either way, I lose! This fact only compounds my harsh feelings towards God and about life! I'm sure some here will probably say I was never saved or born again. For those that do think that, perhaps I've hardened my heart past the point of no return? The angst of living, the thought of it going on decades more, it almost makes me want to "weep and gnash teeth" here and now. I want to be redeemed by God, but at the same time I absolutely resent Him! Perhaps, I want redemption from existence itself more. In the end, I don't really know the response I seek in posting this. I know no responses will advocate suicide. Though, the thought of non-existence is absolutely euphoric! Counseling will not help, as I would be shut away in an institution or be doped up on meds and slapped with an outrageous bill to add insult to injury. Not sure if it is possible to see life any other way in a fully conscious and rational way! I welcome feedback in any case; thank you all.