WorriedHeart

Noted and logged in. I will be in touch! Thank you beyond the words. God bless you more. Elizabeth - WorriedHeart turning ListeningHeart.

@Marilyn thank you so so much! You have really followed up on me and I am genuinely touched. I will start the journal habit immediately so I can see what God is saying more objectively through His word and importantly be well aligned to His leading. It is well. Bless you big.

Hi all. I have read and deeply appreciate insights into my affairs. Its been deep these few days but the unfortunate update is that we are still separating. A bit more with understanding as H has confessed without anger that the marriage as derailed him too esp in his career goals and he has no idea how to retrace back while still in the marriage. This is beside our personality differences and I must confess I am relieved to see a way out. I am praying still though, trying to see how God would lead me in this, knowing me better than anyone or myself could ever do. Correcting my wrongs. P and I are still friends. Though I am slowing down communications but my decisions are considered withoutbP in view, even though, I may or may not encourage the relationship later if I do divorce my H. Pls Pray with me. My English name is Elizabeth. Thanks.

You are right. But to process this well. I still need to separate from my H, don't I?.... I am choked on every side... I need to be alone and then, encounter my own mount with God. Because I do want to be as God would have me be. Thanks for the prayers. Bless you.

Thanks. Edited cept if it needs to be shorter again, i may assume advice is not based on all my true facts anymore & thus reduce my value for the responses... (Lol). Noted your bulleted advice. Not easy for me to want to stay in my marriage but using this month to try whatever I can majorly in prayers & soul searching. Only it would have been better if I am separated first from him. All I need to separate from P for now is refuse to communicate, though, that would be hard because I want to communicate but I can cut both off and get myself sorted if I have to... That means me moving out.

Okay, I would attempt to if it can be accepted as a new post so that I may keep the long version for those who won't mind it. Thanks again

Uhmm... Okay. Thanks for the facts shared. All duly noted.

I understand #smiles. Though some others are trying to read and attempting to help me, so that's okay but thanks.

Whao thank you both @gordon7777 and @dr3032 for your time sharing this wealth of info . God bless you greatly. I am aware of the biblical way that God wants us to handle this, hence, my reason coming to a (godly) forum like this to share & get counsel, though I hope for really clear, practical yet God based kind of way. God hates divorce but I am optimistic that I have done something as equally grievous or perhaps more in the past and if I can't trust that I am forgiven, then I already have no hope of a place in heaven. This is one reason why I personally do not feel overwhelmed with the concept of divorcing. I do not say because grace abound, I continue in sin & hence, my tolerance for as long as I could handle without losing my head. What would be the point of it all if I loose my head and missed purpose? I am saddened by the reality but I honestly can't find myself growing old with him without sacrificing everything else I hold so dear, my gifting, talents, stuff I hope to be a blessing to others with etc... I can't exhume goodness if I have none coming from my home & my husband to the best of my understanding, as no capacity to give it to me even if he wanted to (because of our personalities not because he is that terrible). I can only wish you watch a typical day of our life, then you would understand a bit more. I just don't want this happening later when so many complications are in, older age, children, investments etc... Right now, we have nothing of value invested in each other, and we have nothing to miss (both our opinions) except the fact that we are now divorcées. Having P in the picture was purely out of providence and he had no idea I even had a rocky relationship. He is flighty, playful, almost unreliable because of his hyper active nature but I know these things, I have mediated between him and 'girlfriends' before, I get a bit of his vibes. Of course, then we weren't both considering falling in love with each other or so, so we were plain honest in certain discussions about our relationships which at first made the whole 'how about us?' idea from at least 6 years back hard to accept. To @dr3032.... I understand your suspicion of P and I watch him with a 3rd eye.. Lol but he is grown & humbled by a number of things. He is divorced 8 years now, believe me, if he really wanted to be married, he would have been, even if it is to crash again.. Lol... He is not going anywhere again. What I am thinking really is to perhaps be on my own a while. We are already geographically far from each other & that can't cause physically advantaged problems for a long while... To have a quick dash in, I didn't go sleeping in P's hotel room like it sounded. For all the years we have always met or been around each other, even when I had my private apartment & he visited, he could have but never took advantage or whatever, we never slept overnight before until that once. We have never kissed or even as little as pecked even till date. The most were welcome hugs at initial meet, just cordial. But since it bothered you, I will give you the honors of another talk (lol)... The sleep over night was absolutely unintended as I got in late about 8pmish, (cause of my own activities)... Just to check in as I had promised & met him battling with arranging boring slides for his next day presentation, (said his boss just mailed most of the details that afternoon which I saw) & he had appropriate images he could fit in & can create charts for some elements... I got moved to help, it was my speciality. I offered and he was so grateful for it and started pulling out images, records & while I even had to type and totally revibe some elements in the midst of gisting & jokes.. I realized it was late past 10 & told him I had to go, he agreed & asked for minor guide that he would finish it though he wasn't quite paying attention when I was moving stuff around... Then I thought about it & just told him 'if I stayed back & help, I would have to stay over. Do you promise to behave?' Something like that & he smiled politely and said, I didn't have to ask. He was elated and I think we finished past 12. He even did a rehearsal of the presentation from top to finish & helped settle me to sleep. That was it. I trusted him & he did noble, a valid point he mentioned sometime recently when just gisting, about my going all out to help him @such a risk; knowing me, I could only have done that because I valued him greatly. He didn't see it as you are seeing it because he understands me morally & I could vouch for him despite his busybody everywhere. However, all these does not mean I have already fallen right into his arms (or have I?), it just points to been fond of each other with feelings that are beyond just dating.... I really want to leave my husband (wish I could feel otherwise but I don't. Prayed, cried about it, read books listened to related audios, what I haven't done is fast because I am on a medication). We have had talks in the past, we always relapse. Mind you, he is not arguing the divorce, only when anyone else does. I believe it would do him some good too and may not remarry again not even to P. As a christian that is the sacrifice I would bear if God won't give me the clear nudge to go ahead but I had like to think that he is been behind our many comebacks. I did marry for the wrong reasons (with P still a major cause), was too upset to seek God thoroughly or listen further.... Here is me paying the price, I am so sad....

Hello everyone... Uhmm... I am a natural talker & I really want to pour my heart out on this one, just hope I don't bore before I round it up even as I attempt to shorten as much as I can. My problem is hot and raising my pressure as I type. Pls help me. This is June 2019 for me. I am a christian (pentecostal), a Nigerian, living in Nigeria. I am 38+ & married for 2 & a half years. I attempted to divorce my husband I will henceforth call H, last year October but let go when he pleaded with me to change. I let go majorly because H was broke, without a job at the time & I couldn't bare to leave him like that.. So I tried to work things back with him... My H & I are very incompatible, we are good people in our own rights but just doesn't blend at all... The big stuffs aren't our problems but the minor stuff woven into our personalities. While I am driven, outspoken, entrepreneurial, funny, exciting, intelligent & lovable (omitted stubborn, daring, risk taker, dream follower, very lazy housewifish attributes etc but guess I just spilled).... He is reserved, cold, man of few words, intelligent, very opinonated, pragmatic, stubborn, very proud, self reliant, independent with traditional mindset (I.e core African way of life). He does laughs too but usually at things I don't find amusing & our life dreams & life style choices are on opposite poles. How did we then decide to get married? Well, I got really pissed off by a weird relationship (which you would read about down here, the one I call P) & in anger put a compelling husband searching profile on a dating site & H seemed the best of the few, so I started chatting with him & moved it off the site... He was about 12 hours drive farther away from me & he came once to visit... Realized his calm disposition but attributed to shyness or some introvert stuff & since they say opposite attract, I gave him the shot... So summarized timeline: Met online Mar 2016, Marriage starts Aug 2016. Finalized Dec 2016. & he chose to move to join me in the city where I run a small food processing company. He is a teacher & not interested in being any thing else so circled in the school system. Okay. Fast forward to last quarter last year.... We were miserable... I found him really difficult to live with as he had tortured me with silence & lack of connection in any areas of life... We had no common ground. We don't pray or play together, no interest in what I do (even when I self trained in animations & do awesome) he didn't care... Our sex life was the worst of it, we don't meet.. We were flat mates, like he said 'worst than flat mates'.. Considering 2 or 3 awkward sex a month or 2 sometimes which I would even make effort to initiate during fertile window for child bearing purposes & am sometimes turned down with humiliating comments... I really couldn't understand why he treated me this way... I had gone through the phase of fighting, shouting, threatening to crying, sulking to been downright docile.... Nothing changed... My Gynae at some point last year recommended I see a psychiatrist as I was been diagnosed as depressed which I did and when he was asked to come, hell broke loose I had to manage my condition, lost interest in my work .. (Oh my food business shut down) I withdrew from church activities as I was very active & forefront in some Depts.... I was seemingly lost to the world... I tried to still find a way even if it is to have a child & focus on my child.... But we couldn't even come together to have a workable baby making plan... This lead to my Oct request for divorce & the state of my mind but I still tried to go on. He tried to be nice & responsive the first few weeks after the divorce request & relapsed back to his cold insensitive self. This time, I choose not to worry anymore or ask for more, I try to be content with myself, though a very friendly person.. I really don't keep friends that I share deep thoughts with (have a few who share with me though & I wonder why)... This affected me as I bore all these many pains alone, crying and talking to God when I really need to talk... I decided I was going to be happy and find a way even though I did not know how.... So I eventually decide to look back in my business & step up my animation skill use... While rolling these things in my mind... Someone cribbed right back in. . a peculiar fellow I have omitted to this point... I will call him P for the purpose of clarification & he is my friend of 14 years now. We met 2005, in the city where I am now during a one year national service my country sends her graduates to for across country exposure & we had clicked since then. However, he is like me in lots of ways, more I should add. He is the guy you just like few minutes after you meet him with loads of friends & network.. He however, is very independent of peer influence, he is the influencer. I liked him a lot because despite all this flashy charming flavors, he was very core on morals & way things ought to be.... He had a girlfriend (girlfriends seem to be the one having him) & at some point, he hid behind me, helping him sort through girl problems that mistakes his charm for love or commitments... We were best friends... P was lovable but a handful for me... I saw him more like a big brother & he did believe in my dreams. He was one person who first encourages any entrepreneurial move I made no matter how childish or low & he invests in it, had bailed me out of trouble a number of times & visited my mum when I refused to leave the city after our one year service was over... We kind of kept up after it but he was lucky to get good referrals & jobs & soon started travelling out of the country... We kept up... Sometimes, we loose touch for months or years & then he finds me again & we update on each other... He at one of the times, attempted to ask me out even though he knew it was awkward considering how close we had been but believe that is the more reason to consider this. I was his best friend & he only searches for shades of me in other women when he can have it all in me but only limited by my perception of his proposal. I dismissed the idea in a heartbeat because it made me blush.. I couldn't entertain the thoughts & till date I still ask my self why, so don't bother asking because I haven't gotten the answer myself. Anyways... We drifted a while & then he got married in 2010. He didn't tell me about her ... He always tells me about most of the girls he fancies & why (yes, i truly saw my attributes in them). I was saddened when I realised he was married but I couldn't question him nor blame him, he had to while I was busying rejecting or unsatisfied with the men I was encountering)... 2013 he came to the city I was, said it was a work conference or so but reached out & I met him... We talked but he had divorced. Wife left him 2011 on the pretence of a trip & never came back but for a divorce letter, eventually realised that she needed the marriage to get her father's wealth & travel out of the country etc.... I almost couldn't believe it... Being the kind of person he was, he was embarrassed & ashamed of such a story, so went into hiding... This I could confirm with his Facebook account closing as I realised at some point (cause I was secretly checking his pages, posts and what nots even though I never reached out to him)... He asked if I could reconsider us coming together... I just laughed it off, though, I was considering it but worried about this wife divorce complications even though they had no child together... I didn't disagree but I didn't agree either and he eventually left... Kept up a while & we drifted again.... 2015, he was back & came all out for me... Made me see sense in our coming together. He lived in south Africa then, I was 35 unmarried, no relationship, at that time he said his ex has remarried & had a child... He can't find anyone else that fits him but me & pleaded with me to reason... So I reasoned... Not just for the plea but because he was right... I could compare guys but to me, he was incomparable... I really did like him & was fond of him warts & all... So, decided to hit the road, he was excited about it & returned to SA... Fortunately, he had family now in the city i lived in, so he intro me to them and I kept up esp. With his brother's wife who seemed to like me a lot... At some point, I was talking about us actually getting married & he was trying to flow, he said something about needing some money to add up & come home, I sent what I could & then he stopped. I couldn't reach him... I called he won't pick, I mailed he won't respond, he had no Facebook profile to monitor again... I was perplexed & really couldn't place him with such behavior, the money wasn't even that much in comparism (though was to me) & I was so confused, it went on for weeks & I reached out to the in-law who liked me. She stalled me for a while & eventually told me the truth that he had an opportunity for a course in Germany & had gone. She advised me to move on because she is sure he would settle there. My shock & anger knew no bounds. I was embarrassed. It was the biggest blow I have ever been hit by in a failed relationship, infact, it was the only one that had touched my core. I almost couldn't get over it... That was 2015 ending into 2016.. & with well channelled anger energy I did the online advert for a husband. That is how I landed with H. Hope you can connect my story now? Now, picking up from where I stopped about Dec last year (2018). P reached back to me (again) through Facebook. Saw he had opened another Facebook account like over a year .... I refused to chat him up but he won't let me be, pleading for my number... After throwing a bit of tantrums, asking for my money back, I eventually gave him. He called. I sounded hard, stone cold & irritated, & he said so much, at the end of it, I try to maturely play it off as no problem, past issues but after he dropped, I did cry (I think or dropped a hot tear or two).... And just brushed it off. His explanation: He had applied for a course in Germany earlier & didn't know it would pull through. While I was talking about us getting married, he realised he had a time limited offer to finish registration & relocation to Germany if he was going to do this... He was confused how he would tell me seeing how excited I was about us, getting married & knowing he started it etc. He couldn't burst that bubble for his rather moving to Germany for another number of years but he couldn't pass up the opportunity which he believed was for our good and planned to explain & do whatever he can once he was there & then we see how we can adjust to the new events but unfortunately for him, his sister in-law had gone ahead to tell me he had moved to Germany & he lost his voice... He didn't know how to say what and reading all my mails (oh yea, I did send long ones full of hate words & curses.... Sorry), he practically just culled back to his shell & bath in the regret, wondering how he could resolve this and time passed.. Within the year, he saw I got married (pictures on Facebook) & i guess he went though what I did when I saw his years back, except his must be worse (I hoped..lol).. He said from that point, he lost orientation as regards his future, what he was doing, the point of it all... He officially lost his effort for marriage & immersed in schooling & working like it was all he had but even with all this... I couldn't leave his mind & so have decided to reach out to me, not for anything else, just so we can be friends again, just to talk, the way we use to, maybe, it might help him refocus, find someone & have a child, said he is not interested in marriage again & his family fought him over the years & given up on him in that area. Here, I am struggling and suffering in my marriage & here is my dream man hanging on for just fragments of my insight for guidance in his fractured path. This added to my emotional instability but I didn't let him know it n tried to sound lively & normal when we talk... As usual, he had wheezed into my world & trying to catch up on normal events, realised I have regressed & not significantly progressed, became curious about what is up with me & my marriage, why he isnt hearing or seeing his effect in all about me.. I sternly told him off to not ever ask about my marriage affairs if he wants me still talking with him& though I knew he felt bad, he accepted & tried to respect it... I also got updated with his life, i wasnt not okay with him just planning to have a child, he is doing well & I am impressed, he can't miss getting married to enjoy it all etc & I gave him ultimatum to find a girl & present.... Why at all that, my H has turned tiger here. He is doing better now than before financially, has a steady job & some money now but won't share... Already seen the potential for him to be stingy with me in past events but thought he would get over it after last divorce attempt but no, now he even buys food items himself just so that he doesn't have to give me money directly as he was displeased that I am raising back the flour business when I should go and find a job and have guaranteed cash. In the midst of plenty bad blood, i travelled for a month to my mum's (April this year)& felt what it meant to be free... I wished not to return... It was a good time to retrospect & realise that I didn't want this life. If not today, in the nearest future, we are still going to divorce... And then I would probably have menopaused with no child or a child or 2 & trapped with a man that has all the skills to make a woman feel worthless. I decided on my own to end it this time, for good. Dear reader, on my own, I am sure that I really don't want to keep trying with H because it is beyond habits, our problem is grafted in our DNA compatibility that nothing can change. Without P in the picture, I am sure I would have left if not today, soon, this I am sure. But with P around the corner, it seem so merciful, so I decided to tell him my problem & see him on flight or fight mode... When I did tell him... He empathized & on confirming my conviction to leave, expressed his interest for us to try again. Now at 40years, he has seen that there is no other way, even if I couldn't be his, he can't stay away from me (reason y he reached back in Dec) n now that he miraculously realised that I actually do have problems I can't reconcile with, he is ready to do everything to right the wrongs of our past... Blablabla.... I was dumbfounded to be honest, I didn't expect such quick acceptance & I couldn't believe my luck.. I got back. Told my H I want a divorce. He agreed, saying that everything I do, say or how I behave all bring the exact worse out of him no matter how he tries... He is equally tired & not happy.. So I made plans for the proceeding, already we lived in different rooms, we now made it official & everyone kept their space & shared nothing , not food, bathroom or anything but the front door.. Well, what motivates this long true life recap of my life now is that I went to my pastor to inform him of my divorce intentions few days ago (this June) because I just didn't want to move out, out of respect for him... Typical, he reacted that I shouldn't give up and called on H to talk with him & then us to talk with us yesterday (June 6)... His wife was involved & though I didn't tell them about P... They saw the awkwardness of H & our relationship but since divorce is not of God, we have to make it work. H apologised in their presence and was claiming ignorance before but will try to make it work... I got choked, cried and then went numb till we all dismissed.... I have had a nagging headache since then, couldn't sleep and now have refused to go to work. I am torn apart. my problem is what to do next. At this point, I haven't related this latest development to P (& note that we have physically not as much as kissed ever)... Here are the options rattling in my head: (1). Should I tell my pastor about P or tell even H? Perhaps if they know about him, they would take me more seriously & let me go? However, using this approach will suggest that I am leaving my marriage for him and that is not true (aside the comfort it provides to go through the process. (2). Should I play along but never returning to the pity party I was but be myself (which I know is what irritates him).... but this would require that P hang on longer, I won't leave the house anymore & not clear if he would trust that I can pull through & honestly, I don't want to loose him again esp. (3). Should I still move out? Insist I want my space as I made clear to my pastor & wife, though they played down on it. Told them, that if I am on my own, H can fight back for me if he thinks I am worth it (as he has not done any pursing or wooing since we met, believe it is part of why he doesn't value me)... Even the talk with pastor was because i went. He had no plan to do anything even if I go, this he had made clear before. (4) Any other ideas? In all of this, I am praying also to God as I do not desire to hurt Him by divorcing but it has always felt, still feel so wrong being in this marriage. I can't see a future in it. I do not believe in it, I do not desire it. I prefer P to a thousand men and I told God so and if I can't have him, then I had rather just be alone, perhaps he would permit me have a child for him (P) I mean & I close shop and forget about romance for life but don't want a future with H. I am very afraid of my future with him. Please help. Every advice is welcomed, I prày God to help me come up with a conclusion that would be best for my future from it. Thank you deeply. May you always get help when and where you need it the most. Amen.