Figure of eighty

It's not?

I hope God gives me a new heart. So I can enjoy God like everyone else and not have issues.

Yeah I don't want to be toxic. Hopefully once I get over this out I can bounce back better.

I've been baptized twice. I feel I don't have a true love for God like other people. Instead I'm very angry and hateful towards God( in my heart) I can't change. I feel like avoiding any ignoring God so I won't rack up more sins for myself. I still remember the dream I had. I don't think church is a place for me anymore ... so now I'm going to willfully self isolate I think once I finish my nursing school and things are less of a struggle with my kids and work ect then maybe I'll go back to God. I can't with my hateful heart right now. So this is my solution. I don't want to be toxic. So I'm just gonna take alot of time to myself and be alone. I think I'll spend time with God when I'm less hateful. I think I'll make this my last post since this is my solution.

Not harsh at all. Don't worry about offending me. Your answer as well as others is what I needed to hear. Thank you all for the kind replies.

How do you rest when you have worries like rent and school ect?

Thank you. This makes me feel better knowing God knew what he was getting with me.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but when I have those *S* thoughts I'm not willing it. I want to be here and be with my kids. Mental health is a discussion for another topic but I am working hard to provide a better life for my kids. When I have road blocks that's where my anger comes from bc I am trying really hard. I am thankful to God I have healthy kids. Everything else you said was spot on.

So I've come to realize I have a problem. Not talking about the menta stuff but I truly feel I don't have a heart for God and I don't care. I've been baptized twice and I just idk I don't care. I get angry and mad at God. I know I shouldn't but I feel like God doesn't care much about me, doesn't want to see me happy and just keeps me in isolation purposefully. I just know I'm not like other Christians who strive to please God. I'm just mad at him, I also feel afraid of being a mindless bot bc that's happened to my brother and I don't want to give up control. I know I'm in a bad place bc I had a dream last night ( which is prompting this thread) I dreamt I was at church and it was during a sermon-- I was sitting in the pews my aunt that's a pastor said let anyone or thing that doesn't love God flee this place. I got nervous but stayed. After service my aunt confronted me and asked if I had anything I wanted to repent from? So I felt like God was talking to me. So I did repent but I get angry often and quick bc of my mental issues bc I'm struggling with them and I'm alone and I feel like I wish God would help with that.. But yeah, I know this isn't a popular stance to have but I need help changing my heart but I feel a bit lackadaisical about it and I don't want to let go of control. I'm just being honest again sorry if this offends anyone. I just don't know what to do. Also prob my mental issue flaring up but I feel God is mad at me now...

I'm gonna message you.

This is very sweet. I'll try to do this hen I can.

I do have a church. A girl came to my place and everything but it hasn't helped. I just wish God woul literally stop waking me up. My brain is broken and I feel like a failure as a mom and in general. My very last hope is medication. If this doesn't work then I'm truly a lost cause. I feel so angry at myself that I can't suck this crap up and keep going. Others go through much much worse and still able to go on. I'm really mad at myself. I do hope God is really forgiving bc I'm trying not to do "S" but I can't will mental illness away unfortunately. Hopefully he forgives. I'm hanging on a thread.

I feel a slew of emotions from deep sadness to anger that I just can't shake this mental whatever off. I feel I'm too busy. I have kids, I'm trying to study for school but I just feel like crying daily bc I can't get rid of this. These rhoughts,feelings ect. I try to atleast keep myself from crying bc I feel if I'm not crying I'm not crazy and I'm keeping it together. Right now I'm having a hard time. I feel like a failure as a mother, too many intrusive thoughts,I feel hopeless, I feel God won't help. I just feel like a lost cause. I already reached out to my Dr. She Said someone was gonna reach out to me-- hasn't happened. So I tried to reach out to them. Email is messed up. Will call. I just feel like a failure. I'm trying but it doesn't seem good enough. I feel like I'm just a moment of splitting from reality. I'm ashamed I may need meds. I'm ashamed I'm alone and been alone and friendless my entire life. I feel hopeless bc I feel God won't help. I feel he's just looking at me wanting for me to lose then blame me for not holding on. I feel hopeless. I just feel God won't help me. My worst fear is the S word and I feel God wouldn't even try to stop me. I just feel he doesn't care about my life. I just feel small and unimportsnt to most. My brain is broken . I need assistance but I'm. Mot sure where to start. I'm trying though

Yeah thank God for that. I was able to go to church. I was really late but the message was needed, basically the story about Lazarus who died and Martha and Mary were urging Jesus to come as he was sick but instead he delayed 2 days. However when he came he was able to bring him to life again. The pastor said God isn't on our time table but when he does come he's always on time. The message was timely and true but I cant stop worrying about my situation.

I can't unknow what I know too